April: "You know how you guys think I'm tense in that room? That's sexual tension!" They whoop and holler because Tyra is Carrie, Yoanna is Miranda, Mercedes is Charlotte, Shandi is Samantha, and April is the show itself. Tyra asks if they want advice on anything specific, and Shandi all sheepishly pipes up, "I have a personal question. Have you ever cheated on anyone?" Tyra fixes her with a very incredulous death glare and responds that she's never cheated on anyone, but that she's been cheated on. But, see, she's learned a lesson. From a box of dirty fortune cookies from Spencer Gifts: "I always tell my man: Flirt so much with a girl, then come home and do me." What fun is it to add "in bed" if the whole thing is already in bed? Shandi starts to tear up, and Tyra asks with genuine curiosity if Shandi's boyfriend cheated on her. Wrong victim. Tyra: "You cheated on him?" Oh, she doesn't seem happy. She seems almost judge-y enough to deliver this small speech, using illogic so circular and dreamlike I looked up at the end of it and was naked in class. Fine. Here it is: "Everybody's messed up, Shandi. I'm not judging you. I think that we need to fight against our carnal desires, and sometimes they slip, but I don't see it as the end of the world. I understand that people do become attracted to other people, y'know, in the moment. And it's all about your relationship, and how open your relationship is and how honest you can be with one another." In other words: buy my single.
Il Zolofto. Tomorrow is another elimination. But first, it's time for Shandi's nightly ego smash, as she calls Eric. He sounds a little more subdued, his vocal register having returned from "British royalty greeting each other" (Helloooooooo!) and has settled into a more manageable "British royalty offering one another tea." (Would you like some tea?) He asks her, "Do you want to stay in this relationship?" She does. He tells her to bust her ass to get a contract: "I'm mad at you, but it's subsiding, okay? I don't want you to give up." "It's subsiding"? "IT'S SUBSIDING"? Now, look. I realize I can't be in every relationship. In fact, recent statistics on the matter would support the fact that I can't be in any relationship. But this I know: Shandi went to Italy and f'ed a dude on a Vespa. Well, I mean, he wasn't technically operating the Vespa at the time of the f'ing, but the point is the same: buy Tyra's single.
Cereminato Eliminato. IMG. Jane. Sephora. Try the eye cream. It's amazing. Judges. Stephen Fairchild is the guest, and he administers the individual evaluations this week: "What we'd like to do is pretend you just got off a plane in Italy." Are there heads Photoshopped onto construction paper? Because that, they might be able to imagine. "All you have is the pants you're wearing, some shoes, and a t-shirt. From the plane, immediately you're gonna go to a wicked party." Along with the t-shirts, we're told, they also have scissors, ribbon, safety pins, and pens. I'm sorry, did their carry-on luggage get accidentally switched with MacGyver's? But never mind, as they are all given blue shirts that they have to reimagine. As blue shirts with dry-erase marks on them.