The competition for this week, we learn, is that Stephen Fairchild is going to give each of the girls two hundred Euro (which I remembered incorrectly as being "two hundred lire," which, even when the currency actually, y'know, existed, still equaled between a hapenny and a shaving of wampum) to go to the flea market in an attempt to "depict Italian sensuality." The winner spends a night with Fairchild at his villa having an "amazing night." The rest get to have an orgy. Or they can all just do both. Italy. Land of hedonistic dualities.
Back at It ZoLofto, Yoanna dials a cell phone and tells an "Andrea" to come meet them that night at the apartmenti. We learn that he was one of the guys from the Vespas, and that he's going to bring his friends. Mercedes, for one, couldn't be happier: "I've been so testosterone-deprived, it's so not fair." Mostly, it's men who are afflicted with that problem, and when they go for the pink bowling ball, someone just gives them a pill and fixes them right up. But for the sake of argument, I'll pretend I know exactly what she's talking about. Yoanna, too, wants "to get some smooches on." Which is totally orgy talk. When you're five and you make your stuffed animals kiss each other and then giggle because kissing is gross.
Oh, hi Shandi. Didn't see you standing there behind that column of particularly dense air. "I miss my boyfriend." Muh-huh. "I really do." Well, well, well, the lady doth orgy too much, doth she not?
And, here they are. Four Italian men. They bring lasagna, they pour wine, they kiss the girls on one cheek and then on the other. One hot Italian man sits on another's lap and smokes a cigarette and I stop damning the scourge of Janet Jackson for getting this episode snipped because, well, that was all I really needed anyway. Yes. I am that easy. "It feels good to hang out and just chill out at the house," Shandi tells us in a confessional that's about to get a lot more weepy, "but my boyfriend's not here. What am I gonna do?" Besides not have sex with a stranger? How about a game of charades? Hint: if you make the old-timey camera hand-motion while singing the Tarantella, it means "Italian movie." And, sadly, the answer is always "Fellini."