America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Cheated

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A Lump In His Haute

Look! Camille left a note. I'll bet it was entirely improvised. We're treated to a delightful shot of her timely departure in the last real episode, followed by a confessional in which Yoanna sings a song that goes, "Camille is gone, the witch left home," followed by a laugh that lies on the emotional see-saw somewhere just between "unsuccessfully medicated" and "strenuously avoided on the subway." And, I mean, she seems to have a lovely voice, but sister can't stick to the rhythm! And damned if that song doesn't need a little more to it, no? Camille was Yoanna's backstabbing archenemy from the first moment; it's at dramatic high points like this where the songs are actually supposed to come. Oh, very well. Since you asked: "Camille is gone, the witch left home/She's gone to hell or maybe Rome/The show can start now that she's gone/Pack your bags, y'all, you're goin' to Milan." The songwriting credit for that verse will read "Blau/Banks," for any ASCAP certification professionals out there. I didn't know I was going to need her collaborative inspiration just at that moment. That Tyra. She's like the Noel Coward of downmarket crap.

Speaking of musical numbers, we're in the living room of Il ZoLofto, where we're reminded of Mercedes and her overall adorableness when we find her singing a song entitled, "Have you seen my boots?" Yes, she's very cute. Stop hitting me over the head with a high-fashion boot about it. When the did world buy wholesale into the reality that every time someone thinks a bad thought about Mercedes, an angel dies in heaven? We see her almost get booted last week, and back in a confessional she lapses into a wee bit of realitybabble with the realization, "I've gotta step up the pace." In last week's competition, it's true she was pretty wan/Pack your bags, y'all, we're goin' to Milan.

"My challenge is to tone my tummy," Yoanna tells us, quoting a Suzanne Somers infomercial playing in a loop in her head because of the chip Nigel had inserted in her brain. April, meanwhile, wanders in front of passing camera, and after wondering if she's perhaps related to it (she's mechanical, see), she stops to let it know, "I want this so bad. I want to be a model. But I overanalyze. I know that's my weakness." If this show were the cast of Soul Man, you'd be the forgotten-by-time Rae Dawn Chong/Pack your bags, y'all, we're goin' to Milan. This joke is almost over. I swear it.

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America's Next Top Model

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