America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Cheated

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A Lump In His Haute

Oy. On the lanai. Shandi holds a cell phone and stands outside Il Zolofti, sounding genuinely terrified. Eric (I think she hit the wrong Eric on her speed dial, because that guy who picked up sounds a lot like Eric Nicholson) offers a two-note "Hey-ay." He's super. Thanks for asking. But not for long. Shandi volleys back in a much quieter voice, telling him, "I don't know how to start this." Panic grows in Eric's voice. "Just please tell me what you did." And then, an actual, pained, animal-with- tire-tracks- across-its-hide whine: "Tell me." Shandi does it Twenty Questions style, hinting, "The worst possible thing I could do." Hoo boy. She f'ed him. And I guess this could have been edited all wonkily, but I really don't think it was. Eric asks, "You had sex?" Shandi says, "Yeah." Well, that's pretty clear, isn't it? Let's see if there's more! She's pretty much hunched over in a fetal position as Eric tells her that she's changed, screeching that he can't be with someone who cheated on him. And, well. Yeah. Eric: "You think about how we wanted to be together forever?" Well, yeah. "You stupid bitch!" Well, no need to make it personal. And then he hangs up, while Shandi lies on the porch wailing with guilt and grief. I guess she won't mind much now if he goes to the movies with Lauren.

Back on the well-tended shores of Lake Homo, the girls return to Stephen's back porch to find Jay "I'll Give You Fish, I'll Give You Candy, I'll Give You Everything I Have In My Hand, Give Me, Give Back My" Manuel there to tell them about their photo shoots: two teams, with April and Mercedes on one team, and Yoanna and Shandi on the other. "This is no piece of cake, girls," he says, tangentially chastising Yoanna's midriff. "It's difficult, because you can't outshine the other...we're going to do very long, Italian, straight weaves." Hair montage. They all are given exactly the same hair that they had before they received their makeovers. Anyway. And, apparently, the hair is the only accessory, and the photo shoot is nude. April is excited about it, noting, "[Mercedes and I] might not be as high-fashion as [Shandi and Yoanna], but when I think of the boys back home, who they'd rather see naked on top of each other, I have a feeling it might be us." Totally the point. Which is neither here nor there. Because Jay has to call his wife.

"Yoanna is definitely paying attention," Jay tells us, impressed that she was able to hide certain parts of herself behind Shandi's finger. Oh, no, I'm sorry. That's actually all of Shandi. Jay, meanwhile, seems unimpressed that Shandi doesn't seem to be paying attention. Meanwhile, Mercedes and April pose in a door frame, April "trying to take over my job," according to poor, put-upon Jay, as he notes that she's trying to art-direct her own shoot. Jay says that Mercedes seemed lost and didn't like how April was bossing her around. Mercedes looks like a deer trapped in her own headlights, and celebrates when the thing is over, while April can't wipe the control-freak sneer off of her face. The one saving grace is that it will be much, much easier for her to pack if none of her belongings are on her back at the exact moment the judges decide it's time for her to go.

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America's Next Top Model

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