America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Cries Home

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As If Your Soul is Gone

Next to walk is Yvonne, who tells us that she was on her dance team in high school and so knows how to move. She does perhaps the least graceful leg kicks that I have ever seen, totally exposing her cooch, but Jonte' and Rob love it. Allyssa is next, and tells us that her Brazilian heritage gives her confidence when it comes to movement. However, she wouldn't kick up her leg in a tight little skirt because she's not a giant hobag. Those weren't her exact words, but the implication is strong. Oh! And then it's Victoria's turn! Every time she's on screen, I get completely giddy with anticipation. She walks like an insane person, then awkwardly flails from the hoop before ending with a little kicking-filled Elaine dance. She sums up her performance thusly: "I think what was groundbreaking about my performance is that I infused it with a lot of my personality." GROUNDBREAKING! Oh, she's the greatest. Do you think she's actually a performance artist or something? Whether she is or not, she is a genius.

With all the walking done, Jonte' has some feedback. Jonte' Jonte' Jonte'! He tells Jessie that she's adorable, but needs to learn to communicate with the audience. He's in awe of Kiara's booty shake, and maybe would at least cup her cheeks if he was straight. Jonte' tells Kristin that she's gorgeous, but has to let the skirt ride if it wants to. Yvonne controlled the stage and knows exactly what she's doing, he says, and Brittany and Victoria get kudos for taking on the hoop. As Jonte' holds up the key to the Tyra Suite and gets ready to announce the winner, Victoria reminds us again that she was groundbreaking -- so groundbreaking in fact that she actually BROKE THE GROUND. She thinks she deserves to win. But she does not. Instead, Yvonne wins for connecting her cooch with the audience. Victoria feels robbed, but Yvonne considers it a victory for the husky girls.

And then just when everyone is hanging out in the club and having a good time, Tyra's dude-in-a-wig BFF shows up. Apparently he is not Zach Galifianakis, but rather "YouTube personality" P'Trique. Tyra always has to take it that one extra step, you know? He delivers Tyra Mail in his signature stupid fashion girl voice: "Tomorrow's challenge will leave you hanging. Make sure you kill the shot, k? Go home and get your beauty sleepies and get ready for tomorrow!" Wow, and here I never thought I'd miss hearing the girls straining at the edges of their literacy skills to read Tyra Mail from a TV screen.

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America's Next Top Model

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