America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Cries Home

Episode Report Card
Potes: C+ | Grade It Now!
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As If Your Soul is Gone

Jessie is next, being her super cute self. However, the judges don't love her photo. Kelly thinks she looks more like an actress in a horror movie than a model, while Tyra thinks that she's an edgy, cool model in person but hasn't taken control of her face. She needs to learn some tiny facial muscle micro-movements. Bryanboy says that the fans wanted more personality from Jessie. But her personality is delightful! WTF, fans? And also, I don't think her photo is at all worse than the ones we've seen so far. And yet, Kelly and Rob both give Jessie a 4, while Tyra gives her a 5. Totally robbed.

Laura is up next, and her photo is pretty great. The light is hitting her beautifully, and the shot is taken at an angle, which helps a lot. I haven't mentioned the best part of all the photos, which is the poorly photoshopped-in names at the base of each plaque. I think they are written in a font that, while not quite Comic Sans, might be called "Cockamamie." Tyra enjoys the intensity and blankness of Laura's eyes, and the fans online apparently liked it as well. She gets 8s from Kelly and Rob, and a 9 from Tyra.

Maria is next, and Rob says that her photo is not really modeling. Maria, who apparently was NOT smart enough to watch even one episode of this show in the past, starts complaining about how there were shots in which she moved her neck more, adding that she doesn't think this is her best picture. Girrrrrrrrrrrl, I wouldn't have done that. Kelly looks at her and says in a very schoolmarm voice, "This is your best shot." Tyra recommends that Maria lift her chin to increase her "model-ness." You know it takes every bit of restraint that Maria has not to say, "Model-ness isn't even a word." Bryanboy says that Maria barely made an impact online, before reading a quote from someone named Jacob G., who said that Maria has a $10,000 shopping spree bag under her eyes. Ouch. I love how Tyra has taken away even the possibility of her contestants being emotionally kind to themselves and not reading comments on the Internet. It's like, "Oh, we've found someone to read the meanest ones to you! In real time!" Kelly gives Maria a 5, and tells her to take modeling a lot more seriously if she makes it to next week. Rob and Tyra both give her a 6.

Net we have Leila, whose photo the judges adore. I think most of the credit honestly goes to her big lips and gap teeth, but in this case I guess it's enough. Bryanboy then plays a fan video, in which a big hairy dude says that Leila is the only one who has a contemporary fashion look, as his lady friend eats a popsicle. Just when you thought it was impossible for this show to make you even sadder about the world! Leila gets straight 10s from the judges, which seems a little over the top.

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America's Next Top Model

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