America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Deals With A Pervert

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Pick Up The Francophone

Pack your bags, y'all. Over in the Milan Room, it's Prayer O'Clock, which I noticed it was not in the Tokyo Room, clearly owing to the time difference between the two cities and not some narrative juxtaposition we're supposed to be noting right about now. Robin sits self-lovingly on her bed and reads from The Book Of One-Dimensional Characterizations, which is actually part of the Nouveau Testament, and which all the models are reading now ever since the Christian fashionistas deemed the New Testament to be "so five minutes ago." After a few seconds of snuggling up with the Lord -- and Snuggling Up With The Lord is totally going to be the name of my slim volume of self-penned religious homilies, coming this fall from Mighty Big Press -- Robin kicks it over to a confessional, telling us for no as-yet apparent reason, "Miss Shannon is eighteen years old. She's still a virgin. Believes in the Lord." Yup. Shannon. Tight bod. Blonde hair. Never banged anything besides a Bible. Totally remember who she is. With you all the way. Especially since they got rid of that Heather.

Because the expression "too fine a point on it" has joined Reagan and Brando in a land called The Heaven Of The Long-Ago Obsolete, Elyse keeps sawing away, reminding us, "The separation between the two rooms has a lot to do with religion. The house has been divided into 'us and them.'" Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts! Explain how! Money can be exchanged for goods and services! Back in Tokyo, Elyse tells Adrianne, "I was laughing at your ugly tits." Perhaps they're playing another spirited round of "The Janice Dickinson Drinking Game," which is where you say something really mean that Janice might say, secure in the knowledge that Janice, wherever she may be at that exact moment, is getting effing wasted on Black House. ["And why not -- now that Mullen's been fired from EW, we need a new game." -- Wing Chun] VoilĂ ...The Janice Dickinson Drinking Game! "I have beautiful tits," Adrianne shoots back, adding, "Almost everyone that [sic] looks at my boobs are [sic] like, 'God, they're so jiggly and beautiful.'" While everyone who looks at Elyse's boobs, meanwhile, is like, "God, remember when we were five and mom took that picture of us standing up against the closet door wearing our new Superman Underoos?" Because you guys? It's underwear that's fun to wear.

East meets West in an historic summit that followed such a prolonged period of fighting between the two known enemies Tokyo and Milan. Kesse enters the room wearing an exceedingly tight blue sweater and sporting her own pair of beautiful jigglies. (Y'all, I'm just quoting Elyse.) Adrianne suggests that she and Elyse "clean up [their] language," but a quick cut later, Adrianne is asking Kesse, "Would you go to a sex shop?" and Kesse responds, "I've been to sex shops before!" Adrianne high-fives her because dirty girls must cancel each other out and therefore they don't have to worry about catching weird sex shop scabies from one another, while Adrianne chants, "Miss Kesse is down!" Elyse similarly finds her new ad hoc roommate to be so-called "down," as she shares with us, "[Miss] Kesse is hilarious. She's part of the holy room and she's part of the Bible time, and yet I think she's so funny." A funny Christian? Maybe Elyse is learning a little something too! Maybe that there really is a God. And that he's HILARIOUS!

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America's Next Top Model

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