America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Deals With A Pervert

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Pick Up The Francophone

Elyse, Adrianne, and Robin juxtapose some calls to their manloves, and we're back with Shannon, who tells us that Brad Pinkert is going to be her boyfriend because she saw him in a magazine and his favorite book is the Bible. We already knew all of this from when we saw it the first time. But this time we're quickly shown the rest of the page, where we also learn that Brad enjoyed his first kiss at age twelve, which is also when Shannon was having her first kiss, except that that kiss was between two Care Bears she had mashed together while giggling helplessly. Oh, the humanity. They each carry a bag to the front door of the house while Adrianne tells us that this is "the best day of [her] life," which is, in all honesty, probably from a confessional taped right after she won the thing. But right now I guess she's equally as happy at the foreshadowed concept of Shannon meeting her two-dimensional magazine crush Brad Pinkert. Wow. That Adrianne is a really caring friend.

Because the War On Terror has been hard on all of us, there are no cameras of any kind inside of airports ever, because if you have a photograph of me standing in front of the window at the American Airlines terminal making wings with my arms like I too am an airplane in flight, you automatically possess the ability to blow shit up. Except on The Amazing Race, a show I think must be a production of the Department of Homeland Security. Anyway, that right there is why some Frenchy music plays over a shot of an airplane graphic flying from New York to Paris and then they're all just in France. The girls montage through their first look of Paris, taking in the sights. No wonder they're so tired! Jet lag and a montage. French flag! Arc de Triomphe! Champs Elysée! Moulin Rouge! French People's list of Top 50 Most Beautiful People, on which David Hasselhoff ranks nine separate times in the first thirty-seven. And that was my one Hasselhoff/France joke. I swear. Just be glad it wasn't Jerry Lewis. ["Sweetie, it's Germany that loves Hasselhoff, as you would know had you seen Dodgeball. I'm very disappointed in you that you haven't." -- Wing Chun]

Courrier du Tyra! Courrier du Tyra! Elyse takes the honors, right there on the street: "Welcome to Paris. Here is the address of your hotel: It is located on 28 Rue de l'Arc de Triomphe. Tell your driver to take you there. Note: your driver does not speak English." Note: neither does Elyse. You can't just paint on a Pepe la Pew stripe and gesture boldly with your right hand in a European fashion. There are grammar rules to speaking the language as well, or didn't they teach you that back in Smart School?

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America's Next Top Model

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