Noooooooooooooooooooo! Okay, wait, let me back up. So, the four remaining girls have to venture into the forest. Natasha does so in wedge heels, and the other girls mock and malign her for this, because they hate her and everything she does. But more about this later. In keeping with Aboriginal tradition, they must incorporate body art, storytelling, and dance in expressing their own stories. Renee talks about past abuse, Jaslene makes no damn sense, Dionne has stuff about her family, and Natasha speaks so quietly that no one can hear her. This great strategy doesn't pay off so well, and Renee wins the challenge. She and Jaslene, whom she has chosen to share in her prize, get some pearls. Oh, and Dionne is strangely a descendent of John Lithgow in Footloose, and she wants to banish dancing from her own life if not the entire continent of Australia. The girls want to blow off some steam, so they decide to go out. Natasha foregoes this opportunity for female bonding because she is hella-sick. So, of course, the other three talk a lot of shit about her. They really, really don't like her. Her sketchy marital situation comes up, along with the fact that she seems awfully fake. Meanwhile, Natasha is home with a fever and the stuffed nose. It just doesn't seem right. The photo shoot for the week involves more dancing and posing inspired by Aboriginal legends, and while Renee excels, the other girls struggle a bit. Dionne still can't get her face right, and Natasha is, as Jay says, "missssssssssssssserable." At panel, the news that she was sick doesn't really fly with the judges, because Tyra once had snot coming out of every orifice and STILL managed to turn it out, etc. etc. The girls have the annual "Which girl has the most potential? Which girl has the least potential?" quiz, and Dionne has obviously never seen this show before, because she doesn't choose herself in the most potential category. Also of note, Dionne, Renee, and Jaslene all pick Natasha as having the least potential. Twiggy passes this off as jealousy, but nonetheless Natasha ends up in the final two with Dionne. And then -- oh, I can barely repeat what happened, but I must -- Dionne goes home. Say it with me now: What the hay-ell? You are lying! So, ladies and gentlemen, and flamboyant gentlemen, Natasha, Jaslene, and Renee are your final three. You have one week to get used to it.
Previously on ANTM: A go-see challenge disqualification turned Brittany from vaguely monster-esque into full-fledged monster. The girls had to be soft, then sexy, in a dual photo shoot aimed at women's and men's magazine audiences. Despite her great pictures, Brittany is sort of boring and unlikable in person, so none of the go-see designers wanted to book her. She was sent home, sparing our beloved Dionne for another week. So remaining we have: (1) Renee; (2) Jaslene; (3) Dionne; and (4) Natasha. That makes four bitches! Mwah ha ha ha.
Sydney! The girls return home from elimination. To Tyra Mail! "Some of you believe you were born to be a top model, but I sense that only one will have the heart, soul, and spirit to make it too the top. Love, Tyra." The hell? In addition to being the postmodern Oprah, she's now the postmodern ancient soothsayer as well? Is there no market she will leave untapped? Dionne says that she's so tired and so far gone that she can't even bother to think about what the Tyra Mail means. Whatever happens, happens, but she's going to take her ass to sleep. Meanwhile, Renee asks Jaslene and Dionne -- who is really trying to sleep, so maybe should tell Renee to shut her yap -- if they could have predicted that Brittany would be eliminated. Jaslene says she didn't predict it until they got to panel. Dionne tells us that at the last panel the judges told her that she did "this thing called scowling" a lot. If Dionne has never heard of scowling, perhaps what we interpret as scowling is really her just trying to figure out what the heck people are talking about at any given time. Anyway, the scowling tends to make her look mean, and she doesn't even realize that she's doing it -- it's just there. And, kind of, she's just mean. I love her, but it's true.
Renee notes to the others that when you're at panel and your picture comes up and there is silence from the judges, you know you're gong to get it, because they're trying to figure out why they don't like it. We see shots of silence from each of the judges, which is like the soothing balm of Gilead compared to the shrill cries of "You make wrong the new right," and "The camera loves you," and "Blah blah broken down doll," and "Naomi Campbell was mean to me!" that we hear every week.
The next morning...okay, I'm not even sure how to explain this. Okay, yes I am. Picture it: Sydney, 2007. Dionne, Renee, and Natasha are in their bedroom together. Natasha is on the phone with her husband, Stuart. The phone is sitting on her bed. Natasha kneels beside the bed and nuzzles the phone with her nose. Perhaps the concept of phone sex gets a little too literal when it crosses the sea? There is a lot of "Baaaby," and "Baaaaby," and "I love you so much, baaaaby," and "I love you too, baaaaby," and "I'm gonna be soon next to you, baaaaby." Renee and Natasha kind of laugh and look around in disbelief. Renee sums it up for us: "Natasha's crazy. She's psychopathic. She's, like, making out with the phone with her husband on it. She's weird." Natasha's response? "Baaaaaaby. Oooh hoo hoo." Wait. Maybe Natasha actually thinks she's having a baby, because sperm can swim through phone lines? Did anyone ever think of that? No matter what the issue, for the love of God, will someone hand her an informational pamphlet?