And wouldn't you know it that the premiere acting coach for models (which is kind of like being the premier wrestling coach at a nursery school) is, herself, also an actress! But not a model, except to model the art of acting. And act Alice Spivak has, playing heralded roles ranging from Elegant Middle-Aged Woman (If Lucy Fell, 1996) to Woman Applicant (Deadly Illusion, 1987) to one memorable meta-turn in which she seems to have played absolutely no character at all (Fun and Games, 1973). What she does seem to have is the market cornered on guest appearances on 100 Centre Street, which is a show I think that A&E made up to see if anyone was watching their network. They'd go out on the street and be like, "So, what did you think of last night's 100 Centre Street, and people would be like, "I've heard it's good...wait, is that the same thing as The Wire?" I mean, she never even crossed over into Law & Order territory. So what's with the big-ass round of applause?

Oh, I'm sure she's a lovely person. She seems like kind of a mom type. And she's wearing a cardigan sweater, and will doubtless be the only person who will ever do so on this show. No wonder she wasn't back for Season 2. Anyway, she tells the girls that their first acting lesson will begin with "an imaginary little scene, maybe wrapped around an object. An object in acting is a prop." And in real life it's what women are. Just like in modeling.

Man, if I could have montaged through all of my dumb-ass acting classes in high school I'd be goddamn Harrison Ford by now. Please don't make me pass you the imaginary ball again. Please don't make me turn my head really quickly and yell "zoom!" Please please please please please. And so they montage, each of the ladies dancing, spinning, jumping, and leaping around on stage. One girl, who I thought was Kesse, wipes the hell out, but that would mean Kesse is both on stage and watching herself wipe out blankly at the same time. Put some spirit into them eyes, Kesse! Meanwhile, Elyse confessionalizes, "I've never done any acting, except for the fabulous production, Black Elk Speaks, in seventh grade." Heh. Ever read that book? I'll bet she played Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy Horse. But in fairness to Elyse, I totally get the urge to tout one's formative acting opportunities, and I speak nostalgically and with moist eyes about my very earliest role as "Servant #1" in my fourth-grade production of Cinderella and the Prince of Pollution, which I would literally kill -- KILL -- to get my hands on. So I could DESTROY IT. But don't be fooled, y'all. Servant #1 was actually a pretty big damn part. If there were a film version made of C&tPoP, you know what acting luminary I bet they'd get to play Servant #1? That's right, America. Alice Spivak.