America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Drives Everyone Crazy

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It Puts The Lotion On The Basket Case

Tyra Mail! Tyra Mail! Ooooh, and we actually get to see what it looks like. I never imagined Courier New was a Tyra font, but that's what we learn during the course of the average day, I guess. The note reads, "Tomorrow, six of you will continue on to become America's Next Top Model. One of you will be eliminated..." The ellipses. So dire. So '50s B-movie. The...end?

And back to the judgment day we go, where we discover Tyra among The Introduction Of The Judges and The Recitation Of The Prizes. Loren Hayes, who looks like Colin Quinn if Colin Quinn were talented enough for UPN, sits in as the guest judge. The first thing they do is show the television commercial, which is basically a simple commercial with the girls walking around in front of a white screen telling us that Fresh Look contact lenses are color for every part of you. They're lenses that make you feel "intrigue," "adventure," and "passion." And, of course, they have Mike Ditka herself, Adrianne, take the word "passion." Which is so mean I could eat some Rollitos.

For their individual evaluations, each girl is subjected to a cold reading. Because Colin Quinn does not understand the nature of the cold reading, each girl is given the pages and then has a few minutes to look them over. Warmer reading. Go. "Hey, c'mon. Yes, you! See this super-sexy smile? Know how I keep it looking so great? Water!" It's a commercial for...water? Shannon gets props for her overall look. Janice tells her that she has so many teeth she looks as though she "fell from another planet," which I adore. Kesse gets props for how much she worked the camera. Janice tells Robin, "The commercial was great. You've got a killer style." Robin responds, "Yes, ma'am." Janice continues, "Loosen up and don't be so pageanty." Robin responds, "Yes, ma'am." Oh, this isn't going well. "I don't like when you call me 'ma'am,'" Janice barks, adding that she finds it "condescending." Janice warns Robin that she needs to "pull back," but we sing along with Colin when he busts in and tells Robin, "You can call me 'ma'am' any time." Kimora Lee says next to Adrianne, "When you talk, it makes me want to grit my teeth." Colin agrees that his biggest problem with her was the one word "passion," and Tyra speaks the word "passion" three different times to show how many readings of one word can exist. Not if it's Adrianne and the word is "passion," in which case the only reading of the word is "flatter than a pancake serves on the Great Plains on National Flat Day." But Colin also adds that, just when he was afraid Adrianne couldn't pull it off, they got to the close-up and "boy did your face and your eyes carry it." Giselle has "self-confidence" issues, according to Colin. Ebony gave "the worst readings I've ever heard" according to Janice, and she adds, "You sucked. I'm sorry." She did. Don't apologize.

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America's Next Top Model

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