America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Drives Everyone Crazy

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It Puts The Lotion On The Basket Case

The evaluations are leveled. Tyra finds Elyse awkward, and Kimora (who I've mentioned twice today, for some reason) thinks Elyse is unimpressive (dolt). Kesse is "pedestrian" but Tyra thought she was beautiful in the commercial. Robin, to Tyra, "represents America" (god help America), and just as strangely she believes that Shannon could be "America's sweetheart." Janice is "waning" on Ebony, but everyone else thinks she's been all over the map. Giselle is seen by all five of them as a self-confidence basket case that they don't think she'll be able to break away from. And also, she sucked at cleaning.

And, we're back. There are seven left and six photos. And you know who's getting one? Kesse. And Elyse. And Adrianne. Tyra lockjaws an imitation, "We think you're gorgeous...half the time we don't know what you're saying. So open your mouth." Robin? "This is not Miss America...top models hate beauty queens, because we're constantly being compared to them. And I ain't no beauty queen." Isn't it always weird to find out the different castes that exists within certain industries that you never knew were there? Like, when you find out that a toll booth collector on the Interstate is like, "A toll booth collector at a Water Gap? Ka! They are not fit to make the change of my butler!" And you're all, "I did not know that." Shannon is also on her way to becoming America's Next Top Model, but she needs to relax and learn the hell how to smile like a non-freak. Will Giselle and Ebony please step forward? Indeed, they shall. Tyra tells Giselle a lovely parable about going to a club and seeing a girl that's not the most attractive girl in the club, "but all the guys want her and you're like 'Why?'" Because she PUTS OUT. "Because she believes she is that finest girl in that club." Oh. And because she's got the blowjob lips and you can see them from space. Otherwise, no one's talking to her. Ebony, Tyra says, is too "hard," and that she pushes herself. Which is why Ebony won't be winning the competition. Ebony turns without saying goodbye and marches from the room without a word. She packs her bags and tells us that she's sad that Tyra "couldn't see how happy she was to be there." But I mean, c'mon. Who the hell else's fault is it that she slipped through their fingers?

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America's Next Top Model

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