America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Drives Everyone Crazy

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It Puts The Lotion On The Basket Case

And, walk the runway. Walk it, I say! J. tells Ebony that she needs to take longer steps, but when he takes her arm to instruct her, his hand slides right off her and everyone starts laughing (except Giselle, who has no idea where she is) when he holds his hands up to the nearest camera, chiding, "You have got to be fried!" but I don't know what that means. She tells him that she's experiencing "issues," and he responds, "What kind of issues are you going through?" He cannot be made to understand, so Robin abruptly edits herself into a new conversation, asking J. if he'll judge a contest of "badonka-donk." Are you like me, folks? Was this where you were watching and all of a sudden you were like, "This is really amusing," and then much more quietly out of one side of your mouth, "I have no idea what is going on"? So some music kicks up and six of the seven girls shake it like a Polaroid picture, while Elyse tells us how horrified she is that people are shaking their "donk donks," and she spits the word out because doing the donk donk is clearly illegal in her state. Kesse wins the contest, to the amusement of Elyse, who has trouble reconciling that someone would be a member of the "holy room" but would still enjoy the dirty dancing. I'm sure there's more to this scene, but every time I hit pause it just lands on a shot of Adrianne's flannel-covered ass. Dear flannel: Thanks for everything.

Back in their bedrooms, Elyse sits on her floor and whispers to a passing Adrianne, "Giselle is gonna have a little discussion with her about her greasy hands." Adrianne sits down on a nearby bed and asks what exactly she's going to say. Elyse responds that she's not sure, but in a confessional she confides, "I can't wait for the Giselle vs. Ebony anti-grease showdown. I sincerely hope to be there for it." The only thing that could even to think to block you would be this enormous foreshadow that shows up and falls over everything at the most inconvenient of times.

Dirrty! That's what that house is, y'all. Clothes strewn, beds unmade. Robin tells us that the house is "nasty" and that there are people who don't clean up after themselves, because the Lord isn't going to do it for them because he's too busy being asked to look after Robin's modeling career. Giselle "really set the precedent for laziness," Elyse reports on this topic, as Giselle lies on her stomach with one leg bent up at the knee (and people say she's not doing anything! Look at that knee pivot!). Elyse and Kesse have to be made to agree only across the span of confessional editing, as the latter of those two agrees, "I don't think she's used to pulling her weight." She's more used to pulling Elyse's weight. Otherwise known as the approximate weight of the bowl of cereal she seems to have on hand at all times. Ebony puts the greasiest point on it, telling the truth: "She can be a little annoying. But she's eighteen. What do you expect?" For Giselle, an upcoming full fashion spread in Barely Legal. If that's actually the name of a publication. Hell knows I've never heard of such a thing.

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America's Next Top Model

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