America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Drives Everyone Crazy

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It Puts The Lotion On The Basket Case

Back at Madame Spivak's International House Of Acting! we drop in on challenge day at the Kraine Theater. If that's where it is. I really don't know. Email me, one of the contestants from Season 1! Just go back and sound it out. And remember that the letter "k" and the letter "c" can sometimes made the same sound. But not always! Ech. I ask them to do what I think is a simple favor and I inadvertently drive them right into the arms of an elephant word. Actually, they're still at the penthouse. Could they not get the space again? Theater rental sucks in New York.

"Alice came over again," Ebony says, which means I've been sleeping or they've been editing, because in my estimation she's never been there before. We don't know what the challenge is, but the reward is "a spa treatment," which is finally a great reward challenge and something everyone might actually be interested in having, particularly because the four non-winners have to clean the apartment, which is why they just went through such pains to spend a while showing us how dirty it was. Got it. But, spa! Very cool reward. Sucks for you, Nicole, for turning down a crappy reward and getting an axe in your back. I hope your boyfriend's BMX career has taken off and that his rage at your attempting to have a career doesn't see him fly off the handle and get him demoted to the Girls' Bike Club. You guys? Take a break from this recap and go read that shit. Both of them. You won't be sorry. I'll see you in a few minutes.

You're back, and the challenge has begun in the form of a cold reading. You know what that is, right? You get the pages and you read? Giselle goes first, reading coldly, which, despite the plainness of the expression, is wrong, all wrong. Shannon is similarly abysmal, praying the words "I hate crying! I refuse to cry!" Adrianne jumps in to slur, "I wish I could cry the way Audrey Hepburn did in Breakfast at Tiffany's. That was so cute." It was so cute. But the one time I tried to offer a little speech about how much I adore Audrey Hepburn, the response from the person I was talking to was, "Wow. This is quite honestly the gayest you've ever been, ever." Also, someone needs to adjust the FM tuner when Adrianne talks, because I think the biggest problem I have with her voice is that there's this crazy undercurrent of static at the low register of everything she says. So, Adrianne, keep Audrey's name out of your mouth. Kesse just screams. Ebony bellows. Robin tells us she has to bleach her yellow teeth. What the HELL is this reading from? Robin wins in a walk, and her two guests are...can you guess? No, can you? I'll give you a hint. The names rhyme with (a) "Yogurt of Dannon" and (b) either "pissy" or "sleazy."

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America's Next Top Model

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