America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Everyone Thinks Is Killing Herself

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Anorexia, Anorexia/Intimate, Obstinate/Anorexia

New York City! Where the streets are paved with slanderously unfounded rumors. We open up this week inside of the Tit-For-Tat-otel, where Elyse lies on her bed among the debris of clothing, bedding, and...oh my god, what the hell is that? I don't want to get too close -- if we've learned one thing on this show it's that secular literature is The Devil's Eye Test -- but it appears to be some kind of a "book." Anytime there's a volume of bound pages in that apartment that doesn't feature page after page of automatically capitalized instances of the word "He," it's going to make you ask the important questions. Such as Adrianne's question, which she asks of Elyse when she enters the room: "Do you like it better with more chicks, or no?" Elyse, lying in just a sports bra, exposes a stomach so devoid of nourishment it actually achieves a trough in the middle, and local extreme sports enthusiasts entertain themselves by riding eensy skateboards up and down and drowning out Adrianne's expository dialogue with muffled cries of "Wheee!" It's convex. No, wait. It's concave. It's...crap. It's whichever one hangs down from the top of the cave. Elyse deduces through the magical power of math (The Devil's Sport, with its pagan symbols and its unofficial mascot of The Count, clearly a stand-in for Satan, because open your eyes, people) that it's better in the house with "fewer chicks," and Adrianne copies some answers off of Elyse's skill drill in figuring out, "The fewer chicks, the closer we are to winning." Also, money can be exchanged for goods and services. Thank you, math!

We swing over to Giselle now, who we discover lying on her bed. If you should note the production value of this show getting higher and higher as the season progresses, it's because of the money saved from letting go half of the camera crew and replacing them with a running video camera resting on a single tripod pointing at Giselle's bed. You're always sure to get something, such as this shot of Giselle wrapping her arms around her pillow and hoping that the list of her own personal shortcomings she put under it will lead to a visit from the Self-Deprecation Fairy, who will leave her one million dollars in the currency of pity. Because really, that's all she wants. In a confessional now -- which, frankly, is probably just Giselle in her bed but shot with the camera above her like Meryl Streep dangling from the side of a building in the opening scene of Postcards from the Edge -- Giselle tells us, "After the last elimination, I just feel so...I don't know." Ssssssh! Her vocabulary is sleeeeeeeping! We kick it to a quick shot of last week's elimination, and back in this week's confessional, Giselle wears a hat that puts in her in the final running for a slot on America's Next Professional Mayim Bialik Impersonator (and she didn't even apply!) when she sadly intones, "The judges kept saying that I totally need to build up more confidence. It's just gonna be my hardest task ever." Your hardest task ever? Because you know who lacks for confidence? People who would see that there's a show called America's Next Top Model, look in the mirror, and be all, "Yes. Yes, that sounds just like me." You want to try for lack of confidence, you wait until Giselle deems a show called America's Most "Eh" Humans (for which the promotional poster will just be me, cocking my head to one side and shrugging just the right shoulder while sneering just a bit with my left nostril, like I suddenly can't stop doing at my desk right now) or America's Fiftieth Percentile to be "a bit lofty," and then we'll talk about improvements to her confidence level. Until then, sister, raise your hand if you're sure, just as the deodorant of the '80s demanded. And while you're at it? Get a little closer. Don't be shy. Madge, I soaked in it! Sorry. We're done here.

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America's Next Top Model

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