America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Everyone Thinks Is Killing Herself

Episode Report Card
Djb: B | Grade It Now!
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Anorexia, Anorexia/Intimate, Obstinate/Anorexia

Meanwhile, let the spin begin! Back in Adrianne, Elyse, and Giselle's room -- I have no idea which city their room is supposed to be, since every room Adrianne enters automatically becomes "The Detroit Room" -- Giselle tells us, "Adrienne and Elyse. I have bonded with these girls." But footage of Giselle showing Adrianne and Elyse her pimples shoots to Adrianne in The Detroit Confessional Room (see what I did there, because every room she goes in is...whatever) for a confessional, where she tells us that Giselle telling people how much Giselle hates herself "is a great way to fish for compliments." And, sure as shootin', Giselle complains in rapid montage to Nicole (stay dead, Nicole) that her pictures were bad, to a random photographer that she has "a third eyeball," and to an unseen group of eye-rolling responders, "What the hell am I doing here?" We'll make sure you won't be asking that question for that much longer. Back in the bedroom, Adrianne tells Giselle, "I'm gonna think about various ways I can kill you tonight while you're asleep." What? "Should I put cyanide in your food?" For all of that sleep-eating she's been doing? And if indeed Adrianne really is a serial killer (though if you're offing Giselle through her limited diet, that really would make you more of a "cereal killer" har har har), she'd have to change her approach when she got to Elyse unless she could find a way to make her sleep-eat- in-front-of- Tyra-Banks. Giselle reacts with panic at the notion that Adrianne might be crazy and will kill her in her sleep -- but sleep is where she's a pirate! -- but Adrianne is quick to allay her fears, laughing, "You're really slow if you take me seriously any time in your life." Adrianne considers the size of word "if" that just came floating out of her mouth as she moves on to coat the pages of Deuteronomy in rat poison in hopes that Robin will set about some sleep-praying after lights out. And I'd give the odds-on bet that Robin does pray in her sleep, but I can't because gambling is also for sinners and single mothers.

London Room by day. Tyra enters to find the girls sitting expectantly, and she intends to school them well, because she thinks it is of paramount importance for models to have media training so that they know how to conduct an interview...when standing frozen in a two-dimensional magazine. Honestly. When Muggles develop that photography that moves and photo subjects can laugh and talk and run from picture to picture, then let's talk about getting models their own publicists. But it's too late, as Tyra's already got one. And so she introduces the infamous Cindi Berger, who is with PMK/HBH, the agency founded by Pat Kingsley, whose own clients' and former clients' maybe-gayness must not be called into question unless that gaiety is a direct result of Scientology's healing and strengthening power. Cindi is a major player at PMK, and if you think you've seen her name in the papers after the words "her rep" or "her flack" or "dehydration and exhaustion," you have. And why? Because Cindi's karmic cycle is making her fix a lot of mistakes from her last past lives, and fate has dealt her a client list including, in part: Rosie O'Donnell. Mariah Carey. And Sharon Stone. All I'm saying is that your karmic cycle is one big-ass loping spiral into Hell when one of the world's top three supermodels is your least diva-ish client. And I guess Cindi has done a good job with them or she wouldn't still have such a high-paying job at PMK, but part of a publicist's responsibility is to protect her clients' public images and make sure said public doesn't utter a reflexively disgusted "ech" when they hear said clients' names. But when your specialties include bankrupt magazines and the lesbian entrepreneurs that love them, acute exhaustion and dehydration, and getting bitten by Komodo dragons, it might be a little harder to influence positive public opinion than if you represent, for example, someone really pretty.

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America's Next Top Model

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