America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Everyone Thinks Is Killing Herself

Episode Report Card
Djb: B | Grade It Now!
Anorexia, Anorexia/Intimate, Obstinate/Anorexia

Tyra Mail! Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow, you will have your fifth photo shoot. Please be ready by 8:15 AM." Elyse expresses excitement that her boyfriend is coming, but adds in a confessional that this experience has brought out the worst in her personality. In their bedroom, Giselle asks Elyse how she can "build some frickin'" confidence, asking Elyse how she can do that. To wit, she replies, "You get out of puberty." Oh, Elyse. If that's your worst, you should see me at my best. We're like Siamese twins connected by the idiocy of others.

Jon Silverman bursts into the house and tells the girl it's time for a time-filling swim. They're very reticent to get their hair wet. Jon liked Elyse with swimming. Yeah. I don't know what just happened there.

Reebok ad! So the focus is on "athleticism and motion," and Tyra puts on music to see how well the girls can "model dance." And they'll be working with a male model partner for the day, who we are soon to learn is "the running back for the Denver Broncos and the rookie of the year," Clinton Portis. He stands looking, as Tyra tells us, "sexified," as the girls are made up in ripped clothes and some confusing facial makeup. Tyra deems Giselle's performance "beautiful," and worries that Shannon's dance moves are stiff. Kesse -- still on this show! -- is, according to the photographer, "a great-looking girl." Robin blames the football player for her shoddy performance, clearly not having heard that he was the rookie of the year, people. But lo! The shoot is interrupted by the arrival of Adrianne's mother and Elyse's boyfriend, and grand hugging ensues. Awwww, Elyse's boyfriend has such a nice personality! And he even looks a bit like Shandi's cuckholded man. Even better, the photographer tells us that if he had a big job tomorrow, he would book Elyse for it. Awwww. He doesn't have a big job tomorrow. ["You don't get a big job tomorrow if you have a big mullet today." -- Wing Chun] Adrianne is "overall a great model," and her mother tells us that she can't believe she gave birth to such a beautiful human being. Awwwwww! I'm all alone in my apartment doing some serious model dancing to the melody playing on my heartstrings.

Back at the combat-otel, Adrianne takes her mother into a confessional and tells us, "It kicks ass to have her here. Like, a lot of ass." The words every mother longs to hear. Out in the living room, Adrianne tells her mother that she wants to become America's Next Top Model, and that it would be "the biggest break we've ever had." Adrianne's mother corrects, "Don't say 'we,'" but Adrianne keeps on that she wants to pay her mother's bills and build her a house in the country and wouldn't it be loverly. They all enjoy a dinner together, except for Robin, who stays in her room, reading the Bible. Elyse's boyfriend further debunks the eating disorder rumors, telling us in confessional that Elyse doesn't even finish eating dinner before she already wants to go out for ice cream. Yes, yes. A huge dollop of We Get It Brand ice cream, which makes her favorite flavor, "The Lady Doth Protest Too Much Mint." ["Just as an aside, I am thoroughly enjoying Marty's band's album as I edit this. Way to keyboard, Mr. Elyse!" -- Wing Chun]

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America's Next Top Model




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