America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Flops In The Mud

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The Kloof Will Set You Free

Brittany walks with Q and asks if they can use mud. Q says yes, and Brittany's work for the day is done (which can only mean a three-martini lunch!). Kahlen says that she's going for "dead sticks," because she feels that outfitting herself in brown rather than green will make her stand out. How great that she will be able to differentiate herself from those with the green, green mud all over them. As it turns out, the wardrobe people do give some help to the girls, as we see a lackey rubbing a large glue stick over Keenyah's stomach. They stick tall grasses to it, and Keenyah says that it's designed to flatter her stomach by covering it up in a somewhat see-through manner. She has some grassy fern things across her chest and more leaves on her legs. And also, underwear. I feel like they really cheated us of some pixilated bits this week. Jay tells Keenyah that she should focus on looking really serene and lovely as she poses by a beautiful waterfall. She interviews that she has gained a few pounds and realized that she needs to be aware of her body. As she goes to sit on a big rock, Jay tells her that there is an art to sitting on a rock which Tyra has perfected. Basically, you can't actually sit. You sort of suspend yourself above a little to make yourself look less "pouchy." He notes to the photographer that Keenyah's gaining a little weight and should watch out for that. Keenyah looks uncomfortable and stiff as she tries to suck her stomach back through her spine. And as someone who has gained a few pounds around the middle recently, I feel her. Sometimes the sucking in only serves to defeat you. Jay says that Keenyah usually moves well but was just awkward today, and that he was expecting a lot more from her.

Naima is next. She's wearing a brown bandeau and bikini bottom with a bit of mud smeared on her leg, and the aforementioned dead spiky flowers. She says that she wanted to blend in with the environment, which is pretty much her forte. Jay loves the mud. She starts to pose, and Jay notes that she only works in profile, and that a person can't work her whole career in profile. He says he felt that Naima was posing the whole time, and not like he was witnessing a "special moment in front of a waterfall." But, I mean, isn't it her job to pose? Don't they always tell the girls that they should always be thinking about the pose? And who could have a special moment in front of a waterfall with Agent Orange looking on?

Meanwhile, Brittany finds her puddle of mud and rolls all around in it. I see a big career in naked slimy girl wrestling for her. Also, that does not seem entirely sanitary. Jay says that he's not going to help Brittany because she's icky. Queen. Jay yells at her to be not too sexy, but intimate. He then yells at her to think of herself as a mythical nymph in the jungle. I'll have to remember that the next time I get a family photo done at Olan Mills. He says that Brittany had a lot of great poses, changed up her body language, and, unsurprisingly, looked like a young Janice Dickinson in some of the shots. She washes her muddy self off in the water. Meanwhile, Kahlen outfits herself in twigs. Jay tells her that he knows she's got amazing body language. Kahlen says that she's struggling to get in touch with her sensual side, but that every time she tries to be sexy, she just looks like a cornball. A cornfed cornball. As she struggles to find a pose, Jay says that Kahlen doesn't understand what "sexy" or "beautiful" is, and that it's killing his impression of her. He thinks she's getting weaker. Let's see if this plays out in the judging, shall we?

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America's Next Top Model

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