America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Forgot Her Shoes

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Don't You Mean, "The Girl Whose Thighs Were Twenty-Nine Inches Around"?

Phone call! A voice recording disguising itself as Tyra informs Yaya that the girls need to get together and meet her for a challenge. They should dress like they're going in front of the judges, wear comfortable shoes, and also bring high heels. Note that they have exactly three things to remember, two of which are in the same category. You know how your stomach shrinks when you don't eat much? I am developing a similar theory about the brain. The Top Model girls are my test subjects. Yaya wakes up the others. It is worth noting that Ann sleeps with a teddy bear and Amanda sleeps in a purple teddy.

The girls meet Tyra, who tells them that they have been working hard the past few weeks, and now it's time to send them out to the sharks. Finally, a photo shoot of terror! The last one alive (or with more remaining limbs) wins the competition. I like where this is headed. No, actually, the girls will be heading out to do go-sees (you "go see" a client to let them know that you are alive, and have not, in fact, been eaten by sharks). Tyra gives them their brand-new portfolios, full of the photos from the past several weeks, which garners a giant squeal. Eva interviews that she was stoked, and that having a portfolio really makes you feel like you're a model. As does abject humiliation, degradation, and the objectification of your physical being, but we'll get to that soon enough. And also? The portfolios are, like, spiral binders with clear pocket folders. Granted, I am no fashion insider, but these seem easy enough to make at Kinko's. Ann interviews that she has the worst portfolio, as we are treated to a dramatic flashback of her most recent judges' critique. They should consider adding a little reverb for effect in those flashbacks: "Out of all the girls, you were the worst (worst worst worst worst worst worst)." Ann says that she feels good about the go-sees, because the focus is on your person and not on pictures. Ann says that people like her in person, and that she's pretty in person. And we know that we can call bullshit on at least one of those claims.

Tyra tells the girls that they will be judged on their overall looks. She says that this is the modeling industry, so the focus is on the physical. She kind of throws her hands up at this. The girls will also be judged on their walks and personality. At the mention of the word "personality," Cassie kind of looks down puffily as if thinking, "I am so screwed." Tyra says, "Whoever gets the most praise gets...a rack of clothes from each designer that you see today." Which totally makes it sound like it's one rack from each designer, which would be five racks total. TyPaul (Tyra's alter drag queen ego) interviews that the girls are so lucky because she has set up go-sees with five of New York's top designers. And in this case, "top designer" is a bit analogous with "top model," so you don't have to be too impressed. The designers are Diane von Furstenberg, Nanette Lepore, Marc Bouwer, Cynthia Rowley, and Nicole Miller.

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America's Next Top Model

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