America's Next Top Model

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Tyson says that Tyra sent him over to teach them all about being a spokesperson, and one of the primary things about being a spokesperson is that you get to use your looks for a lot of good things. I guess being occasionally confused with the Tae Bo guy counts as being a spokesperson. Tyson tells the girls to use their pretty faces to better the world. Oh, I am so sure. Ebony hornily tells us that she doesn't smile that much, but when Tyson walked in, she smiled all day. Something tells me that if a person did want to wipe a fellow contestant with cooter juice, this would be the day when it was available in abundance.

Tyson then tells each of the girls to grab one item from the kitchen and figure out how to sell it and make it sexy. Chantal gets a nice, juicy lime popsicle and fellates it. Subtle. Bianca asks, "Do you ever just wanna get things...real wet?" as she gives a watering can a hand job. Tyson nonsensically asks, "How wet is the water?" Ummm, as wet as water...is. Poor Ebony has a "water heater-upper" -- a.k.a. a teapot -- and manages to talk about something getting moist and hot really fast in a manner completely devoid of sex appeal. I mean, in general, a person loses me at "moist," but it's bad for reasons beyond that. Ebony tells us that she has no experience at being a spokesperson, and knew she was going to suck before she even got up there. Well, that's the attitude. Tyson makes her do it again, with the same results. Ebony is a total boner-killer.

But you know who is not? Yeah. Heather. She has a wine glass, and tells Tyson that sometimes you need a little more sophistication for a special night for two. Tyson grabs Heather, and any remaining Asperger's symptoms fly out the window as she puts an arm around him and stares right into his eyes. Tyson is a miracle healer! He winks at Heather and says, "Awwww, she's shy!" as she goes back to the couch and hides her head. Something tells me that our little Heather is going to be a woman soon. Next, Tyson bites Ambreal's mango. And no, that is not a double entendre. Or is it? Maybe when they turn off the cameras. First of all, you don't eat mango skin, Mr. Dirt-for-Arms. How sexy is it when you have to spit out slimy mango skin? Wait, don't answer that. Tyson tells the girls to keep focused and ask themselves how much they really want it. Oh, they REALLY WANT IT.

Tyra Mail! "As a supermodel, people will recognize your face. Now is the time to make them recognize your cause. Love, Tyra." What's Tyra's cause? That the art of booty-tooching be spread around the country -- nay, the world? If so, bravo, my little bewigged 161-pound spokesperson. The girls head to a studio, where they meet Tyson again. Sarah says that everyone was excited to see Tyson again, and especially her, because she's got jungle fever. Tyson points out stills from the "I Am African" campaign, which he is a spokesperson for. Well, so are a lot of people, including Gwyneth Paltrow. Try getting your cred back now. Tyson introduces the girls to Elizebeth Santiso, Vice President of Keep a Child Alive, which is an organization designed to provide emergency response to the African AIDS epidemic. They do a lot of good work, blah blah blah. Can't we just have a challenge where they stomp around putting makeup on while half clothed, per usual? I'm bored. The girls have to divide up into teams of three, and will have thirty minutes to put together a thirty-second public service announcement. Elizabeth will get to pick the winner. She seems inordinately excited. I guess when your life is dedicated to helping people who are dying, being a judge on Top Model is super-extra-fun. The girls get pen and paper and Keep a Child Alive's Ambassador Bible, which has all the info they need for their PSA. I'm sure now that she's heard the term "Ambassador Bible," Angelina Jolie will be all over this.

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America's Next Top Model

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