As usually happens following a great and momentous event, this week's post-Tyrade Top Model is actually a bit of a letdown. The girls all feel on edge after Tiffany's drama-filled elimination, and Tyra -- her nerves calmed after a trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Wes's Ribhouse -- comes to assure them that she's not actually going to have a breakdown every week. And actually, that's really because Tiffany was her favorite and she could actually give a rat's ass about the rest of them. The girls get a lesson in interviewing and being interviewed from Entertainment Tonight correspondent Jann Carl, and are later tested on what they've actually learned when they have to interview fellow UPN star and neophyte fashion designer Eve. And I am actually really sick of celebrities trying to sell us their ugly, ugly clothes. Christina wins the challenge, which doesn't actually seem to entail any kind of prize other than her interview actually being shown on Entertainment Tonight. Unless that actually comes with a side of diamonds, I think she was robbed. Meanwhile, Kahlen gets the news from home that one of her high school friends has actually passed away suddenly. In a really messed up "coincidence," the girls then discover that their shoot will actually entail posing as one of the Seven Deadly Sins while actually in a coffin at the bottom of an eight-foot grave. The girls look alternately ghoulish and drag-queenish, and an upset Kahlen actually manages to work her emotions into a convincing photo as "Wrath." At judging, the girls must endure a mock press conference with the judges, where Janice actually calls Christina out on her flatulence. Michelle gets weird and actually breaks down yet again at criticism on her photo, and also lands in the final two. But it is the toothless Tatiana who is eliminated and that's actually fine with everyone else because actually, nobody likes her. Oh, and Christina says "actually," like, a whole lot.
Previously on ANTM: Rebecca was uncomfortable in a sexy photo shoot that involved naked rippling torsos, Wonderbras, and chicken feathers. A judging challenge proved that illiteracy is a growing problem among the young, thin, and above-average looking women of the U.S.A. Tiffany began to give up on herself. The judges felt like all of the girls needed a wake-up call, which led to the decision to eliminate both Tiffany and Rebecca. And then Tyra started screaming and everything went to hell, resulting in one of the greatest moments in low-brow television history. Only seven girls remain!
And then I see a promo for Britney and Kevin, and the rest of television feels insignificant. Seriously, you guys, I cannot wait. Go UPN!
Some lite jazz welcomes us into the apartment where the girls are shocked and awed about the night's judging. The drama of the situation is underscored by the bright green and orange table where the girls sit. Keenyah tells us that elimination was crazy, and that she was not expecting the double elimination, nor Tyra's mental breakdown. We get a flashback, which has some of the girls' reaction shots interspersed with Tyra yelling. "Yell yell yell," yells Tyra. ["HOW DARE YOU GIVE AN UNDERWHELMING DEPICTION OF MY FREAK OUT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ? BE QUIET! STOP TALKING! AUGHHHGHGHH!" -- Tyra Banks] And poor freaking Rebecca, who had to stand there next to Tiffany as she was being berated, really got the worst of it, if you ask me. Michelle says that Tiffany could have won the competition, and Naima says that everyone was rooting for Tiffany except Tiffany. And I think that Tyra and her alien consorts have implanted the girls with mind-control chips that only allow them to parrot exactly what she said when this subject comes up.
And then who should walk in but Tyra, fully calmed down and, not coincidentally, face smeared with barbecue sauce. She tells the girls that she wanted to talk to them because they might be scared after her blow-up at judging, and that she wants them to understand where her emotion came from. She says she knows that, at times, the girls have the desire to give up, and that she can relate because she felt that way too when she was a young model in Paris and faced horrible people in the industry who did everything in their power to make her go home and give up. Tyra and Janice were in France at the same time? This, of course, brings on some gratuitous shots of skinny teenaged Tyra, who in truth looks even more alienesque than she does now. Seeing at judging how Tiffany had given up on herself pissed Tyra off, because this could have been a turning point in Tiffany's life. It also upset her to see that Tiffany was giving away all of the opportunities that come along with being America's Next Top Model. I'm guessing this means that Mike Lookinland is single and looking!