Well, folks, we cashed in all of our collective hopes and prayers, but despite it all I'm sorry to report that no models actually plummeted to their deaths during this episode. It's the way of Tyra Banks to get our hopes up and then dash them by letting her contestants emerge unscathed. Still, though, the models had to participate a fashion show for Guess that involved walking down the side of a building in torrential rain. This was their challenge for the week, and they all managed to look really, really dumb. But some fared better than others. Renee, Marvin and Cory in particular managed to turn it out fairly well and pop a collar whilst doing the horizontal walk. All of the others basically fell on their butts a lot and sort of scooted down in a herky-jerky manner.
Mike got one of the lowest scores, but it wasn't actually for his lack of building-scaling proficiency. Rather, he walks like he has the Empire State Building between his legs, and is overall one stiff mofo. Bianca couldn't manage to get her body horizontal, and so just sort of floated down on her holster, posing all the while. The judges were not impressed. Chlea also fared poorly, but her real blunder came when she started to give Kelly Cutrone pointers about being more personable. You can guess how well that went over. In the end, Renee took the challenge and won the key to the Tyra Suite and access to the Guess closet, which is like a little tacky store.
Meanwhile, Marvin emerged as the frontrunner in straight up horndog-ness. He went around shouting that he had one condom and wanted to use it, and it would only take five minutes, which is not exaaaactly the way to get the ladies. He took a particular shine to Bianca, who took a particular shine to Mike. And I'm guessing that Mike and Bianca totally boned, when he wasn't busy getting hilariously wasted and falling asleep in the confessional.
The photo shoot for the week was designed to traumatize Jourdan, and featured the contestants in various configurations positing for "alternative wedding" editorials. All season they're going to be using something called Flixel, which makes part of a photo move while the rest stays still, and generally is designed to give you a headache.
Also, Tyra will be doing makeup this season, because there's nothing she can't do, except have a singing career or a successful talk show. In any case, Jeremy and Jordan posed as a nudist couple, which surfaced his worry that being a virgin will prevent him from successfully acting naked. While his photo turned out okay, Jourdan was a stiff dullard, per usual, and attributed some of that to traumatic memories of her brief marriage. Jiana emerged as a secretly fierce competitor in a jowly lesbian wedding photograph, Chris H. and Don rocked it as a gay couple, and Phil convincingly got married to a remote control.
Social media scores will once again be the "fourth judge" for the season (and if this is really a democratic process, can we elect someone other than Bryanboy to represent us?), and once the final scores were tallied Chris H. was called first for his convincing portrayal of a sensitive gay groom. Mike, Chris S. and Bianca were all in the bottom. Bianca got the axe for failing to stand out in a polygamist wedding, which seems a little unfair, while Chris S. couldn't overcome his wee-ness and tendency to look like a hip hop lesbian and was also sent home. The ice cream man lives (to amuse us with his with his drunken antics) another day!
Previously on America's Next Top Model: There were dudes! Including love of my life, Phil. The sixteen XX and XY finalists were named, and learned they'd have to walk down a fierce Guess runway for CEO Paul Marciano. And that runway started at the top of the building. If they were really prepared to walk horizontally down the side of the building, their Spidey sense would have already been tingling.
We enter with the contestants freaking out about the building-scaling runway show, which they learn will also be their challenge. Tyra explains how challenge and photo shoot scoring will work, which follows the same format is last year: on both challenges and photo shoots the models will get a score from one to ten, and for the photo shoot the "fourth judge" will be we, the people. And how is it that I, who know all there is to know about America's Next Top Model, never know when the photos are up online and ready to succumb to my scathing votes? In any case, the judges' score, challenge score, and social media score all added together will determine who goes home. It is VERY scientific, obviously.
But back to the challenge proper! The ladies are a little alarmed by the fact that they'll be wearing heels, and Tyra tells them that it's mind over matter. Is it REALLY, though? Don tells us that his one fear in life is heights, and asks God to be with him. I think God abandoned this show sometime around when Toccara got eliminated. Remember how she used to keep a rotisserie chicken by her bed? Convenient midnight snacking is next to godliness. And… credits. Judging by the new opening, the theme for this cycle is "Eyes Wide Shut." Fidelio!
After the credits, Chris S. is the first model we hear from, which means he's sure to be a goner. He tells the girls to watch out, because he's taking the competition. Chris S. declares himself to be a southern rebel who's quirky and energetic, and says that he started modeling at fourteen. Peaked early, eh? We then hear from Bianca, indicating that she also is clearly a goner. The editors need to mix up the formula once in a while. Bianca has been modeling for as long as she can remember, has uber-cute hair, and lacks a fear of heights. She tells the boys to watch out -- advice they will not heed, because they all want to bone her. We then hear from Mike, certain to have a disastrous week but squeak through on the strength of his ice cream service skills alone, who tells us that he dropped out of college after his first semester and started touring full-time in bands. And then of course he wound up on the ice cream truck, which is a subliminal clue to stay in school, kids. He never considered modeling, but when you're scouted by Tyra Banks, you give it a shot.