America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Gets Pwn'd

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Things that Make You Go Pwn

Laura is up first, and seems to do a fine job flipping over things and whatnot. She does her short and sweet pwn, which involves a high kick. Chrissy and Taylor think that she's fabulous, and Laura of course thinks that she's fabulous as well. As Laura brags about how well she's done, Kristin notes that even though they've been friends since this whole thing began (friends enough to controversially share the Tyra Suite, in case you forgot!), Laura is her biggest competition. So I guess by the next episode she'll try to get Laura to punch her in the face or something. Kristin is up next, and is especially goofy in a rather endearing way. Her pwn is hilarious. Wait, but then Taylor sounds like he calls the little dancing thing a "taunt." Then what is a pwn? Get off my lawn you darned kids, Golden Girls reference, etc. etc.

Yvonne is next, and she complains that this doesn't seem like modeling to her at all. Does any of this seem like modeling to anyone post season 2? Though Yvonne claims that she'll try her hardest, Brittany thinks that she's phoning it in. I imagine that when it's Brittany's turn, the video game will turn into the "It's a jolly holiday with Mary" scene from Mary Poppins, and she'll do a solid job in twirling her parasol. Kiara, Allyssa, and Nastasia all seem to have uneventful shoots, and then it's time for Victoria. She has the grace of a one-legged flamingo, so you can imagine how she does in, like, moving anywhere and doing anything. At one point she looks like an actual frog, and Taylor and Chrissy both admit that they cracked up while watching her. Then there's Brittany, who per usual is uber sincere about everything. Her strategy to win is to show her sweet Disney self. This paradoxically entails grunting a lot. Taylor and Chrissy both think that she embodied the character very well. What do you have to do to embody the character other than jump over an invisible thing and flash your colorful neon crotch?

Chrissy and Taylor and Rob give all the girls kudos, but we soon learn that the winner is Laura. She gets $10,000 in her scholarship bank, and gets to be in the video game with her pwn-taunt. While Laura is thrilled to have won her first challenge, Brittany is downtrodden. However, she says that she can't let herself feel beat down and discouraged. Rather, she'll slap a smile on her face, stuff away her annoyances, and kick ass. Repression! It's the Disney way. Put that in your cryogenic freezer and take it out in 200 years! Chrissy then takes a few moments to talk with the models about the importance of social media, and how to deal with all the assholes out there (yours truly included) who say mean things about you. She suggests turning it into a game, where you pretend like you don't even care. And then go home and cry salty tears into your pillow while swigging Ramona pinot grigio out of the bottle. Fun game, better than Scattergories, even. Chrissy also suggests being sweet, and real. What if your real self isn't sweet? We shall see Yvonne deal with this conundrum momentarily!

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America's Next Top Model

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