America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Gets Pwn'd

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Things that Make You Go Pwn

When the girls return home, they see the challenge scores. Laura is of course at the top with a 9, while Kristin, Brittany and Yvonne all had 8s. Victoria and Nastasia are at the bottom, with a 6 and a 5 respectively. Laura claims that she's depressed because she only got a 9 and not a 10. Oh, can it, blondie. She's like the Gwyneth Paltrow of this competition. That is NOT a compliment. You know who REALLY is deservedly depressed is Victoria. She feels like she's given everything she can give, and is really scared about her position in the competition. Brittany is frustrated, because she thought she might finally win. If only it were a Disney brand video game where a bird friend landed on her shoulder and told her to cheer up!

Oh, and then it's time for Victoria to call home. She's mostly just cool and aloof when she gets her mom on the line. Ha! No, just kidding, she's a fucking mess, per usual. She cries and tells her mom how much she misses her, and misses their conversations, and -- wait for it -- their country cooking. Leave it to Victoria to be raised inside of a Cracker Barrel. She says that she can't even taste the food without her mom there. Sometimes, she says, she gets so down, but then she thinks of her mom and it keeps her going. Victoria is distraught and despondent and whatever other synonyms for sad she learned in her home school English course. Whoever cast her on this show should absolutely win an Emmy, and maybe some sort of Nobel-esque prize.

After a break, that Zach Galifianakis guy in a wig shows up at the house with some Tyra Mail: "The clock is ticking. Get your booties in gear. It may not be the end of the world, but it's the wild wild west out there! Transmission over." I mean, that's about as cryptic as anything they've gotten. The ladies head off to some sort of railroad setting, where Johnny awaits. He explains that the theme for today's shoot is steampunk. Oh, great, another thing I don't understand. Can't they just throw me a bone and have a shoot called "Priscilla Queen of the Desert" or "Laverne and Shirley"? Laura tells us that steampunk is mixing Victorian style with 19th century mechanics. All of those words together still mean nothing to me. Top Model favorite Mike Ruiz is on hand to photograph, and tells the girls that not only will they be working with very elaborate costumes in front of crazy vintage trains, but they will be working with a very temperamental co-star WHOOOOOOOO (cough cough) they will meet later. Not a one of these girls has ever sung "Old MacDonald," apparently, and so they're guessing that maybe their co-star will be a lion or tiger or horse. Not ONE episode of Mr. Rogers, even?

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America's Next Top Model

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