America's Next Top Model

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Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

And then, Saleisha. She feels fierce with her "Louise Brooks" hair. Though, as it has been pointed out on the forums, her hair is more Dorothy Hamill/Cousin Oliver/Tootie/a mushroom. Seriously, slap some roller skates on her or put a little caterpillar smoking a hookah on her head and it will all come together.

Tootie Mushroom herself reads the next Tyra Mail: "Can you make your way from the back stage to the front of the modeling industry?" No one knows what it means. All Bianca knows is that she looks like a boy. She says that from the time she was young, her mom told her that if you cut your hair, you're ugly. I'm sure this and other stellar parenting made Bianca the woman she is today. Chantal can't stop talking about how much she loves her hair. Saleisha fidgets with her hair in the bathroom and says she looks like a Beatle. She particularly looks like the band's original drummer, Dorothy Ramsey. Chantal says that Saleisha's new hair is very high fashion and is going to help her career. She then pauses and adds, "Maybe."

The girls head off to their challenge. They enter a building and see Nigel, upon whom Sarah apparently has a big crush. Nigel tells the girls that he's going to introduce them to someone really special. She's a former model, a celebrity makeup artist, a mum, and his wife. Yes, it's Crissy Barker! Nigel would be married to a total hottie. Their son, in addition to having amazing genes, is apparently a juice-box enthusiast. There's also Brent Poer, who's the Cover Girl consultant for today. He tells the girls that they're there for a makeup challenge. He plugs the Cover Girl web site, where you can upload a photo and see how their cakey makeup will look on you. So, if you're dressing up as a whore or a clown for Halloween and need some ideas, I suggest you stop reading this and log on immediately. Victoria goes to Yale and doesn't know about makeup, blah blah blah. The girls have to create their perfect Cover Girl look at various stations, then each girl has to find a rack of clothes with an outfit and shoes labeled with her name. They only have five minutes to get dressed, get their shoes on, and make it on the runway. The winner gets to shoot a video on how to use the Cover Girl Makeup Mirror, and will get her look uploaded to the tool. That's almost like walking the runway at Paris fashion week, right?

The girls rush around and apply their discount cosmetics. Victoria can't get over the fact that she goes to Yale and doesn't know about makeup, blah blah blah, and Bianca can't get over the fact that she thinks she looks like a boy in a pink robe. Again, blah blah blah. Toughen up, bitch cakes! Bianca really needs someone to make a negligibly inflammatory remark so she can beat her down and get her spirit back. And of course, Saleisha can't get over the fact that she thinks she's awesome and she already won two challenges. Poor Janet can't find the rack with her dress on it, so she just grabs something random. We get a brief flash of either Chantal or Jenah -- it's hard to tell from the back -- in red underwear. They totally structure these challenges so you get skivvy shots. When Janet comes out on the runway, it's clear that her dress is totally different from the ones the other girls are wearing. Oops. She works it, though. The judges critique each girl, and Sarah with her winged eyes wins! Her hair looks really cute. Lisa says that Sarah deserved it, and at least somebody won besides Saleisha.

Tyra Mail! "Are you ready to be deflowered? Love, Tyra." Well, I did just turn thirty-two. I guess I am! But only if it gets me a spot on The Tyra Banks Show. Commercials.

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America's Next Top Model

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