America's Next Top Model

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Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

Victoria is up next as a cactus. She says she looks like Princess Leia got into a fight with a cactus and lost miserably. It's true that she has spikes coming out of her two asymmetrical side buns. Hee. Side buns. Victoria says emphatically that she just wants to put on sneakers and a t-shirt and go to the library. The Yale library, in case you haven't heard, where the page of the dictionary that contains "smoky eye" has been ripped out. The photographer tells Victoria to relax her mouth. She interviews that being a cactus is ridiculous, and that high-fashion modeling is a ludicrous, strange world. Well, I mean, she has a point. Jay tells us that Victoria is so analytical that she overthought every pose. In comparison, Jenah, as moss, does a great job yet again, because she is unfamiliar with the concept of "thinking." Ebony, a bird of paradise, also does great. The photographer says he's in love with her and assumes that she must be good. Jay, always eager to boost someone's confidence, says that Ebony is the anti-good, so this is amazing.

Chantal, meanwhile, tells us that she's going to produce a good picture every photo shoot, because this is what she was born to do. I guess it's true that if people can be born to do great things, they can also be born to do kind of dumb stuff, too. As baby's breath, Chantal looks pretty, but she gets a little flustered as the photographer tells her to go one way, and Jay says that she looks too Maxim and should face the camera full-on. A crying Chantal interviews that the photographer and Jay told her completely different things, and she didn't know what she was supposed to do. Maybe try thinking for yourself? No, no, too radical. She asks Jay who she should listen to, and he says she needs to be able to process both lines of feedback. Jay tells us that as soon as she realized it was a struggle, she broke down. Chantal was holding back tears the whole time, and is convinced that she could have rocked the shoot if both of them had just shut up. To which I say, toughen up, beeyotch. Jay says that he thinks this shoot might have defeated Chantal. She tearfully interviews, "I was so lost in there. I didn't know how this went so wrong." Her baby's breath eye makeup makes her look even crazier saying this. I'm sure the fact that the girl hasn't had a square meal in six years has something to do with her emotional state.

Tyra Mail! Someone's going home. Saleisha, of course, thinks she did a great job and isn't going home. She's wearing a scarf on her head that actually looks from a distance like the bowl that they used to shape her bangs. Victoria, meanwhile, is telling the other girls that the whole competition is sometimes ludicrous, and the other girls blankly stare and wonder if they are going to have to rap for their next challenge. Chantal starts talking about her emotions during the shoot, and Victoria points out how silly it is that Chantal feels bad about not being the best baby's breath she could be. Chantal, not getting it, says that it broke her heart. For serious, Victoria must sometimes really wonder what the hell she's doing there. She interviews that she doesn't want to go home, because she feels like she can bring more to her shoots, and she needs to figure out why she did poorly. She's just an overachiever. Chantal asks Victoria if she's sure that she wants to be a model, and adds that she's been thinking about this since she was in kindergarten. Ooh, I could picture little Chantal all Jon-Benet style, too. Chantal blubbers some more in the confessional, saying, "I care about modeling on a different level than any of those girls, and I have it in me. To think that this is the end of it, it just feels so wrong, you know. It just does not feel right." When she's crying and talking and is a teensy bit incomprehensible, she kind of reminds me of Anna Nicole Smith. Commercials.

When we return, it's judgin' time! Tyra compliments the girls on their transformations. There are prizes, there are judges. Tyra points out Miss J.'s ever-expanding Afro. He looks like Florence from The Jeffersons. Come to think of it, Florence would make an awesome runway trainer/judge. Tyra also introduces Twiggy as "Twiggles Twiggles Twiggy," to which I say: keep the bedroom talk in the bedroom, you guys. Lionel Deluy is the guest judge, which prompts Tyra to speak with a French accent. I bet she uses that same accent to say "Twiggles Twiggles Twiggy" when she dresses up like a French maid.

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America's Next Top Model

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