America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Goes Ballistic

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You Go Back, Jack, Do It Again

Being a top model is a dream shared by girls everywhere, or so Tyra tells us over clips of her young, skinny, model-y self. We are treated to bits of audition videos from Toccara and Norelle. And then -- more Tyra. Wait there for a minute while I muster up some excitement. Hey, that's Adrianne! Shandi! Yoanna! The fish tank! Lots of girls crying! And then lots of screaming as Tyra tells us that, out of thousands of girls who applied, only a select few made it to the semi-finals in Los Angeles. And those select few were completely spontaneously surprised, as we see by their filmed spontaneous reactions as they get their completely surprise phone call from the show. We are treated to bits of the semi-final interviews, beer in the weave (oh! I miss the first episode of this show), the pool party, and revelations of legal blindness. Now, only five girls remain! This is the most important episode ever, Tyra tells us, because of all the new old footage that we'll see. All this before the credits! I'm already exhausted. ["Speaking of which: no links in this recap to past episodes. You want to remember them, you can read the past recaps your own self." -- Wing Chun]

Tropical islands! Sunshine! Beautiful scenery! We are in Jamaica, where fourteen girls started their journey toward famewhoredom and eventual obscurity. We hear The Dowager Jay Manuel tell the girls that one of them will be eliminated in this tropical paradise. There's lots of footage of the wannabe models getting made up, with lots of rubbing of oils to slick up their bottoms and make them shine. Look at Eva's little bum! Leah (yeah, remember her?) is having a hard time. Wow: at the time, I thought she was pretty, but her eyes are totally trying to hypnotize me through my screen. She is frightening.

Toccara says, "I hope they have my size today." Yaya says that they don't. Can you believe it! This might add a little more legitimacy to Toccara's reaction to the stylist a few episodes ago. Toccara says that whatever outfit they give her, she will work it. Toccara comes out in a leopard-print one piece that prompts a stunned Norelle to say, "Crap. Your boobs are as big as my head." Oh, remember when Norelle had braces! I am enjoying this memory lane stroll thus far. But we're only six minutes into the show, so that's not saying much. Toccara thinks she looks faaabulous.

Photographers shoot. Jay Manuel is useless. And then there's Magdalena, who says she wasn't as focused as she should be, and is also butt ugly. Magdalena has no neck and couldn't find the fire in her eyes. Fire in the eyes, Magdalena, fire in the eyes! Have you not learned ANYTHING? Leah is also having problems, but has a hot body. Oooh, long-haired Norelle! Dark-haired Ann! Oooh, good times. The girls talk about Magdalena's elimination. Secretly, no one cares -- not even the girls who pretend to. Kelle and Ann are holding pixilated cigarettes. Kelle says, "And then there were thirteen," and gives Ann a high five.

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America's Next Top Model

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