The girls walk a tightrope -- literally, for runway training with Miss J., and figuratively, as the tension and bitchery between Monique and Melrose continues to escalate. Monique once again opts to slather the discharge of her private parts in close proximity to Melrose, and has garnered a reputation so diabolical that the other girls are afraid (a) she'll cut up all their clothes, or (b) throw lemonade on them in the middle of the night. You had never even imagined such horrors were possible, had you? The girls compete in a walking challenge, which A.J. wins; for her prize, she gets to walk in the Dennis Quaid (no, really) Celebrity Fashion Show in Austin, Texas. Yes, the day has come. Dennis Quaid has appeared on America's Next Top Model. Stock up on bottled water and baked beans, because the end is nigh. A.J. passes over hometown girl Brooke to share in her prize, which is kind of a dick move, but also kind of awesome. Meanwhile, Monique is sick enough to go to the hospital. Or, as they say in England, to hospital. Turns out she was dehydrated. Given how liberal she's been with spreading her fluids around, I'm not surprised. She makes the totally fatal decision to bag the week's runway-based photo shoot in favor of sleep. And speaking of the runway, the show does its best to flip a girl into a pool, and succeeds with Eugena. Well-deserved, I say. Also successful is Caridee's left breast, in its pixilated debut. The girls each have to walk with a fruit bowl on their heads (no, really) for the panel, but in the end it's the nut that's eliminated as Effing Monique goes home! It's kind of a happy moment, but also kind of sad, given that she was pretty great television. And finally, if you missed this episode, I strongly urge you to tune in to the rerun, if only so that you might see the estimable debut of Pastor J. and the Church of Fierce Bitches Singers.
Previously: makeovers, bitches, tears. Monique was a fucking psycho. And, in sad news, cute, pixie-like Megan went back to San Fran. A finite number of sort-of-modelesque young women (and Melrose) remain!
It is night. As we enter the house, several of the girls are sliding down a makeshift ramp made of mattresses, using what appears to be a couch cushion to propel them. They are scantily clad, making this a set-up for a much different kind of show that might premiere on Cinemax After Dark. Caridee yells in a funny voice that she is the ultimate sliding champion, and interviews that being goofy is a good cure for nervous energy. I agree! The girls partaking of this fun activity are Caridee, Brooke, Jaeda, and a twin or two. Meanwhile (but secretly at another time, because we just saw Jaeda), Jaeda tells Melrose that she misses her hair, but as much as she wants it back, she's not going to get it back, and is just going to have to wait until it grows out. Jaeda says that she was in the bottom two last week, which is a lot of pressure. She says that she's there, getting a huge opportunity, and can't just screw it up because her hair isn't how she likes it. Finally, some sense! Though not for long, I'm sure. I have to say that Jaeda seems to have figured out a way to style her hair that makes her look a lot better.
Meanwhile, A.J., dressed as the Unabomber, is crying and looking in the mirror. Ah, practicing for the inevitable "emotive tears with Tyra" photo shoot while pretending to give a shit about the girl who just went home. Genius! She says, "I'm sad that Meg is gone." One can only hope that this is edited out of context from the near future, when Miss Rock N' Roll herself is ousted. A.J. says that there were way more deserving people who should have gone home. She interviews that Monique or Eugena should have gone home because they did, and still do, have terrible attitudes. Monique and Eugena should have to pack their bags and leave the face of the earth. Melrose tells A.J. that everyone is feeling the same way, and then adds, in this weird Midwestern accent, "Here's some love for ya." We forget, but Melrose is somewhat insufferable. Melrose tells us that Monique has lashed out at everyone in the house in a different way. Well, variety is the spice of bitch, after all. Melrose says that everyone but Eugena hates Monique, which really sounds like the natural course of events.
Tyra Mail in the limo! And it's old-school Tyra Mail, not the fancy magazine subscription-card one: "Watch your step because your butt is on the line." Someone conjectures that they're going bungee-jumping, and someone else screams like a lunatic. Melrose says that when they get Tyra Mail, she always tries to think about what it might apply to, because nothing they do there is pointless. Melrose has a micro rather than macro point of view.