America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Goes To Texas

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The Yellow Hos Of Texas

Meanwhile, Monique is ill. And not just in the mental way that we already knew about. Maybe she has the plague. I mean, with her hygiene habits, I wouldn't be surprised. She's feverish and headachey, and Melrose conjectures that all the negative energy she put out there came and bit her on the ass in a way that caused some sort of deadly virus. I added the "deadly" in there, which is probably just wishful thinking.

The next day, A.J., Megg, and Caridee go to LAX and fly out to Austin, Texas, home of many cool things. Though, it must be said, the Dennis Quaid Celebrity Fashion Weekend isn't one of them. Randy Quaid, however, is another story. The girls meet some former ANTM contestants, which, like, get some real models, Dennis Quaid. These include Rebecca, Coryn, April, Shannon, Mercedes, Brittany, and Camille, who tells them that every month she's in a different country. IN HER MIND. I mean, do they think that we don't follow these things? Caridee is a little intimidated by all of the marginally better models.

Meanwhile, Caridee -- who looks something fierce, I have to say -- meets Dennis Quaid. Dennis Quaid chomps on gum and undresses her with his eyes. Caridee is from a small town and thus is easily impressionable. Actor Greg Kinnear is also in the audience, for some unknown reason. The former Top Model girls walk, and remind us why none of them won. A.J. does a decent job on the runway, and notes that she is pretty bad-ass. Megg notes that when she got out there, she just wanted to rock n' roll. Caridee says that she got out there and hit the light, and has never had such a clear moment. Unfortunately, this moment of clarity did not involved the stunning realization that she can't walk for shit. Dennis Quaid follows her ass with his eyes. Caridee is grateful for the opportunity to come along, and says that no matter what happens next, tonight she has fulfilled a part of her dream. To bang a celebrity who was hot eighteen years ago.

Back at home, there is Tyra Mail: "It's time to walk the plank." I wish. Amanda thinks that maybe they'll have to dress like pirates, and notes that she loves pirates. Who doesn't? Monique is still sick. Brooke asks if she can do anything to help her. Monique says that she doesn't really care. Nice. Brooke offers to bring some water, and Monique says that she doesn't want to have any, because she's afraid she'll throw it up. I don't want to see what sorts of filth and slime would come out of Monique's body. Eugena notes that Monique is getting sicker and sicker by the hour, and that she thinks Monique needs to go to the hospital. You know, I think that, secretly, Eugena poisoned Monique. It's the only thing that makes sense, in a number of contexts. And if that is indeed the case, good on you, Eugena! Monique does, indeed, go to the emergency room. Pretend that you care what happens to her for the span of a commercial break.

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America's Next Top Model

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