Bethany wants "something to work on," explaining, "I can't do anything about my chest." Tyra contradicts with a quickie "Yes, you can," and I half-expect a plastic surgeon and an anesthesiologist to leap out from behind what we had thought was a brick wall and immediately start prepping her for some Moon-Frye Magic. But alas, no. The advice is based emotionally, not invasively, as Tyra counsels, "You can pose differently...Every model whose chest is like yours does not look like your picture the other day." Breastany again reissues her press release about people needing to look past the tits to the talent, and Tyra reminds her, "You want to be a fashion model" in a way that means, "You've got the hair for Supercuts and the tits for porn. Go make your millions elsewhere."
Camille bitches about Yoanna. Yoanna bitches about Camille.
We're back on the road to this week's photo shoot, and we learn that, for this one, they'll all have to do their own hair and makeup, even though Tyra's own makeup artist is in attendance. This doesn't seem necessarily fair. The shoot is for Steve Madden, and the shoes are supplied in the totally fair way where whoever can rush over to them the fastest gets their top pair. The girls are in "complete control" of their own images. Shandi smiles in a confessional that this is her "chance to shine" which, after seeing her makeup job, might have actually been "my chance to be overly shiny." Must be that broken-ass camera again.
Mercedes kicks it with an orange scarf and orange shoes, looking like she's playing "Rico" in an all-female version of West Side Story. She also chooses her favorite photograph. Camille, meanwhile, is trying "movement" shots, which you just have to see to believe. Yoanna gets a lot of blithe compliments from the photographer. Sara needs a haircut. Shandi will be having the Fiona Apple, thanks.
"I hope you get eliminated so you can come home," says Shandi's boyfriend over the phone. I mean, I like Shandi and all, but it was hard for me, watching this for the first time, to imagine someone else besides the girl shaped like me in 1989 awkwardly walking in heels right out that door. Then again, after the week of recapping I'm having, I'm not sure I possess the emotional fortitude to watch her get eliminated right now. It's going to be like that scene in Waiting for Guffman where Parker Posey goes back to working at the DQ.
Tyra welcomes the ladies back to the elimination room and reintroduces our panel: Janice Dickinson, who is wearing a necklace that makes her look like she went swimming under the Titanic and is still plucking the barnacles and sea bits out from her weighted chest. If she has any trouble getting up later, it's because one of the beads of that necklace may well still be attached to a hull. But, as we are soon to learn, Janice has absolutely no problem standing up or doing any other calisthenic exercise expected of her. More on that later. Also present is that guy from Jane, but I'm cooling on him because I gave him a week and even The Rules or his magazine's own damn advice columns say he's waited long enough to call me by now. Hi, Nigel Barker. You're last week's news. And then there's J. Alexander, special guest panelist. Wow. Way to think outside the box there, ANTM. Maybe the secret special guest next week will be...America's Next Top Model host and executive producer, Tyra Banks! Anyway, J. is wearing a newsboy hat and generally looks exactly like Britney in the "Drive Me Crazy" days, except that J. is, in fact, much, much girlier. The man literally never stops preening.