America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Impresses Pedro

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The Girl Who's Not No Fucking Lesbo

Dionne and Kim get into a limo. Dionne says that it's crazy and uncomfortable. Jay tells her that he's asking her to play a character, and he's not actually asking her to kiss Kim. He interviews that this is when his job gets really difficult, because Dionne clearly wasn't comfortable portraying a lesbian. But then, things get a little steamy. Kim and Dionne have their faces close together, and at one point, Kim puts her hand on Dionne's thigh. Dionne then puts a hand on Kim's back, and has to stop because she's giggling. Jay asks why she's giggling, and she says, "'Cause I'm actually enjoying this." Kim needs to take a tour of the Bible belt before the next election, man. Her powers are unbelievable. And, I mean, she does look hot. Dionne interviews that she has no idea why she's so excited to be that close to a woman. It's called breaking the chains of cultural repression, fool. Dionne interviews that it was cool and she enjoyed it. So, quite happily, Dionne and I are back on good terms, and will soon be summering on Fire Island. We'll sail there on our boat, the Whola-gay.

Back at home, there is Tyra Mail. A bitch is going home. Whitney says that she's been in the bottom two for two weeks in a row, and though she made it through, the pressure is on big-time. Jaslene, Whitney, and Jael sit by the pool, and Jaslene says that, at this point, there's no excuse for not being on top of your game. Jael says that it would be dope if they were the last three. It would also be dope if I were spooning a unicorn right now; however, it seems similarly unlikely. Jael says that she doesn't think the judges get her, because she's complicated and wild and crazy and free. I think it's less that than the fact that she's completely unintelligible, but maybe we should give her the benefit of the doubt. Jaslene says that she doesn't want to be one of the girls who started so strong but then fell. Well, she already is, so too bad. And with that, we head to commercials.

We return to Panel. Unfortunately, there is not a corresponding photo of perhaps the greatest and most scandalous ANTM moment of all time -- Tyra screaming at Tiffany. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR THAT MOMENT! Tyra, meanwhile, looks like she should be behind a glass booth in Coney Island, spitting out a small card with your fortune on it when you feed her fifty cents. Is she becoming a Scientologist or something? In any case, there are prizes; there are judges. Matthew Jordan Smith is the guest judge.

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America's Next Top Model

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