And then...oh, Lord. It's Michelle, eighteen, from Terre Haute, Indiana. She tells the judges that she's part of a wrestling federation in Indiana, and we see clips from her video. She has to throw other girls around and whatnot. Miss J. gives her some priceless glances. She says that she likes wrestling a lot, but would sacrifice it all to become a model. She has all the grace and feminine charm of Dick Cheney. Seriously, you guys, that's a dude. ["She is totally No Neck Joe." -- Wing Chun]
We see a montage of crazy losers. One is Marie Osmond, who says that she's not a virgin anymore. As Miss J. gives her a scandalized look, she says, "You're not either." Heh. We then meet Naima, twenty, from Detroit, who is a ballet dancer. She tells us that her parents are musicians and named her after a John Coltrane composition. Tyra asks her about her Mohawk. We see a photo of Naima looking pimped out with long hair and a fur jacket. She says that she was carrying around a lot of baggage and craziness in her head, and wanted to get rid of it. She thought that she'd shave her head like a monk, and eventually chose the Mohawk so it would center her thoughts. I bet that's why my biological mom, Cher, wore a giant Mohawk headdress to the 1986 Oscars when she was snubbed of a nomination for Mask. And I kind of like Naima, but if I hear the word "HAY-SPAY-TU" come out of her mouth, it's over between us.
In walks Brandy, who Tyra calls her redhead sister from the planet Bozonia. Brandy tells Miss J. that she loves his beautiful hair. He says that her hair is beautiful too, and that it's just natural. She then stuns the panel by telling them that it isn't, in fact, real. Her mom sewed it in. Well, I guess it's better than having head lice. ["...is it?" -- Wing Chun] Miss J. tells Brandy to tell her mom that he isn't mad at her. Well, he should be, because it's awful. Brandy says, "This is Brandy, if you don't like it, you ain't got to like it, but I love it and I like it so that's me." See what I mean about the mildly disabled thing? Brandy is all about competition and winning. "You need a shirt, you shoulda brought your own," she says, and I kind of love that. She walks, and Jay says she looks like she's walking down the grocery aisle and buying canned peaches. Tyra cracks up at canned peaches. When they try to make us like Jay, it only serves to redouble my hate.