Next is Christina, twenty-four, from Tallahassee, Florida, who I hate instantly. She has huge scary eyes, a long face, an enormous forehead, and rivals Jay for orangeness-per-pound. She's like the living incarnation of a head louse. Tyra asks if Christina tans, and says, "You're lookin' like my cousin. Lookin' a little Negro over there." Tyra notes Christina's tough exterior, and she is talking about more than her leathery skin. Christina says that she's always been confident and carried herself well. When people meet her, they tend to think she's a snob, but she couldn't give a rat's ass. Additionally, you need prescription shampoo to get rid or her.
And then, in walks a blonde creature from my dreams. It is Brita, twenty-five, from La Canada, California. Translated, her hometown is "The Canada." Tyra says, "Do your parents talk like theeeees?" in an exaggerated accent of the country of Foreignia. Brita says they are from Latvia. Tyra asks where Latvia is, and Brita says it's next to Lithuania, which draws blank looks from the geography-impaired panel. Brita grew up relatively wealthy, but then her dad broke his back and couldn't support the family anymore, so she is now a waitress. She says, "Pretty much I've just been kinda on my own. I pay my own bills." Wow, at the ripe old age of twenty-five. How cruel life has been to her! But still: so pretty. She says that if people talk down to her because she's a waitress, that's fine, and that she's striving for something else. Honey, if they talk down to you, take a cue from Flo and just tell them to kiss your grits.
Next is Noelle, who we met at the beginning. Noelle had a baby young with her boyfriend of three years. They didn't know she was pregnant until five months in. Why did this turn into an episode of Without a Trace? Miss J. is understandably taken aback at that news. Noelle says she has severe endometriosis, an incurable reproductive illness, and is not supposed to be able to have children. Endometriosis is the new retinitis pigmentosa is the new lupus. Miss Tyra loves Noelle's illsnesses. Noelle is happy about her miracle baby, who has given her a sense of self-confidence and self-worth great enough for her to leave him for weeks on end to participate in a reality television show.
Tyra tells us that, now that the panel has met all of the girls individually, they wanted to see them together in a "lingerie walk-off" to see if they can "serve it." This is so stupid. Tyra asks the group of lingerie-clad lovelies how the experience was. They all say, "fun," and she says, "scary?" They all say yes, but it's better than the various parasites and cans of Fancy Feast waiting for them at home. She says that it's the kind of scary that can change their lives, and then sends them on their way. Once they are fully clothed, Jay comes out to tell them that their first big elimination will occur the next morning. The girls shed tears, and one group prays while doing so. "Thank you, Jesus, we ask you to come into our careers, God." I am so sure that God gives a rat's ass who wins America's Next Top Model. Kahlen says that she is petrified. Tiffany says that everyone was crying like they were on Oprah. She says that getting cut will be hard...for the other girls. Because she isn't getting cut. Now throw a glass at someone! What do we have to do to get a little action around here?