America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is A Lady Kat. Reow!

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Normal Is Boring

The next morning, the girls stand in front of the Jays for the first cut. They're going from thirty-five down to twenty. On the table behind them in the large hotel conference room are twenty portfolios, each with a photograph. Those photographs represent the twenty women who are moving on to the next level of competition. Kahlen says that this is the most nervous she's ever been. We get a lot of footage of Kahlen, don't we? On the count of three, the girls run to the portfolios. Pandemonium! Tiffany finds her portfolio and falls to her knees, crying. Manly Michelle is the last to get her book, and she screams, "Aw! Hell yeah!" Mary is crying tears of joy, and notes that no other plus-sized girls were selected for her to compete with. She totally thinks she has it in the bag. That is just sad. Estela says that she wasn't crying when she got her book, but that she cried for the other devastated girls who didn't get a book. Oh, Estela has a heart! The heart of a man dressed in women's clothing, but a heart nonetheless. Speech impediment Alexandria is bawling. Lady Kat tells her to stop crying, because crying is for losers. Lady Kat says that she feels great, because she's still living and has nine lives. She says she's going to win. Several girls note that the competition is tough. Commercials.

And then: worst thing ever. I am getting all ready to start writing about the misadventures in makeup of a Small Orange Man and a Horsey Foreign Model, and who do I see instead? One Miss Eva Pigford. She says, "To be a Cover Girl? Phew. I take a breath on that one. This is my life. You've seen me on Top Model, you saw my dishes with the girls, you saw all of that. But you haven't been able to see what's happened since then." Yes we have, in the "Where Are They Now" special. "From the city life of New York, to fashion shows, to castings, to photo shoots, to premieres and parties. My life is just completely different, I don't know what to expect. It's literally like a dream come true." This is literally like my nightmare come true. "I just feel blessed to be able to do what I love to do and to be recognized for it. This is my life as a Cover Girl." And then, as if the past thirty seconds haven't been bad enough, we see the following caption in small letters: "A New Story Every Week." FUCK YOU, COVER GIRL! I want my Tip of the Week! Ugh. First Tiffany goes to rehab, and now this. I'm going to drown my sorrows in a tube of Wetslicks.

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America's Next Top Model

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