America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is A Lady Kat. Reow!

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Normal Is Boring

Then, we are introduced to Brandy, nineteen, from Houston, Texas. She has a giant red 'fro (except for the part directly above her forehead, which is black) and a huge gap in her teeth. All she's missing are the big red shoes and a tiny, tiny car carrying fifty of her friends. Seriously: world's clowniest human. She also speaks as if she has a mild disability. "I'm Braaaaaaandy. This is mah first tahm ridin' a plaaaaaaane." She says that she's tripping, most likely because she's anticipating her upcoming meeting with the estimable Mayor McCheese. Next is Lluvy (pronounced Yoo-vee), age twenty-one, from Modesto, California. Lluvy was born in Mexico. She also strongly resembles a tall Shelley Duvall, and is either really hideous or really striking. ["I said Illeana Douglas, which...same thing." -- Wing Chun]

And then, the moment we've all been waiting for. It's Tiffany, twenty-one, from Miami, Florida, who is excited to have a second chance. Flashback to Season 3 auditions, and then the infamous bar fight when beer was poured on Tiffany's weave. "That skank ho poured beer on my weave!" says Flashback Tiffany. Present-day Tiffany says that she's come back as a better person, because she knows she has to do well this time. But we like the old, truculent Tiffany! Boo!

Several model-filled vans pull up to The Century Plaza. We catch a glimpse of plus-sized Mary from last season. Noelle confesses to some other girls that she's only 5'8". She does not confess that she resembles a Dunkin' Donuts cashier, because they can see that for themselves. Fat Mary, twenty-two, Portland, Oregon, says, "Well, you know, you don't have to worry about me because I'm plus and they only pick one." OR DO THEY?!? Oops! Spoiler alert! Mary, who is really very pretty ["eh" -- Wing Chun], tells us that when Toccara was chosen over her last season, it nearly ripped her heart out. But she's back for a second chance because she enjoys pain, suffering, and humiliation at the hands of an ever-expanding transvestite alien.

Lindsey, a twentyone-year-old Marie Osmond doppelganger from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, tells us that everyone came together for the first time, where they were able to size up their competition. And speaking of size, then who comes out but my personal nemesis, Fucking Jay Manuel, orange as ever and wearing a deep v-neck. The models applaud him. ARGH. And now, I would like to present an open letter to Ms. Tyra Banks.

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America's Next Top Model

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