America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is A Lady Kat. Reow!

Episode Report Card
Potes: B | Grade It Now!
Normal Is Boring

Next is Keenyah, eighteen, from Compton, California. She's studying biology in college. Keenyah tells Tyra and the Jays that the media portrays Compton as a dangerous, crime-ridden place, and that she wants people to see that bright, pretty, non-thugs (who are less manly than the Williams sisters) can come out of Compton, too. Jay tells her to remember, "You represent you," and that she can inspire people, but really has to represent who she is. What the hell does that mean? They should muzzle him. Keenyah tells us that if it came down to being a model vs. being a doctor, she would definitely choose modeling: "The way you can represent yourself without saying a word, I think that is so excellent." As opposed to actually saving the lives of others, which is a valuable but apparently much lesser accomplishment than crafting a glamorous smoky eye.

Then we get Kahlen, who looks a little rougher than she did in the opening sequence. J. notes that Kahlen has never seen America's Next Top Model. She says that she works fifty hours a week and only gets three channels, so she doesn't watch much TV. THE HORRORS! Seriously, that is a worse sob story than anything we're about to encounter. Kahlen tells us that she doesn't know much about "the fashion," which totally reminds me of that time on Freaks and Geeks when Millie asked Lindsay if she was smoking "the pot." The judges ask Kahlen to walk for them, and Ms. J. gives an exaggerated "clutch my pearls" face. Jay says that she's Carmen Kass. I say she's Carmen Sandiego. Do it, Rockapella! Ms. J. says, "That's wind in your hair." They all love her.

Next is Lindsey/Marie Osmond who, to the surprise of no one, is a Mormon. I mean, come on. The giant teeth give them away every time. Lindsey is an atheist now, which is worse to her mother than if Lindsey were either pregnant or a lesbian. But is it worse than being a pregnant lesbian, I wonder? After leaving the Mormons behind, Lindsey says she changed her ways, started going out more, and started caring about hair and makeup. Maybe she'll tell us what that secret Mormon initiation thingy is all about. After she leaves, Miss J. says, "Love the legs. Love the strut. Needs a haircut." Jay says that her hair looks like a $19.99 wig you'd buy in a store, called "The Nancy." Okay, that was pretty funny. But it does not temper my hatred. They joke that she should have bought the Tyra wig, commonly known as "The RuPaul." Next is high-foreheaded Jennifer, twenty, from Richmond, California, who didn't have self-confidence as a youngster, but then found God and realized she was the shiznit. That's all we get of her. So I guess she and Marie Osmond can engage in some theological debate on the losers' bus back to the airport.

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America's Next Top Model




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