America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is A Model, Not A Masseuse

Episode Report Card
Potes: A | 1 USERS: A+
No, No, Nnenna

We return to Tyra Mail. "I know it's tough being around so many girls, so get some tail." Jade is like, "How'd they find out I hang with the Furries?" Sara says, "I wish." Nnenna gets all excited, and says hopefully, "Are we gonna be around guys?" Oh, go soak your bits in a Thai iced coffee. Sara says quite practically that they'll be around animals. Danielle wonders exactly what kind of tail they'll be getting. If it were me, I'd choose lobster tail, but that's another story.

The girl travel in their crazy futuristic bus to a canal that is filled with boats of fruits and vegetables and other delicious-looking sundries. And, also, women steering the boats. Just in case you thought they were being piloted by Captain Carrot or something. And speaking of carrots, Jay is there to tell the girls that they're in the famous Thai floating market, which will be the scene of their first shoot. Jay says that you can also buy fish at the market, which is where they've gotten the idea for today's photo shoot. The girls will be the "catch of the day," and will have to hang upside down in a fish net while wearing mermaid garb. The shoot is for Banana Boat sunblock, and Jay tells us that Banana Boat wants us to celebrate the sun with their anti-burn system. Another good anti-burn system is "shade." Jay tells them not to forget to put on their Banana Boat before they get in the harness. Yeah, "That's What She Said." The photographer for the day is Jaturong Hirankarn.

The girls get slathered in sunblock, have their hair and makeup done, and also get fitted into the harness. The harness is like what they would wear if they were starring in a high-school production of Peter Pan. I say this from experience. Jade sprays on what appears to be that weird SPF 2 tanning oil -- a.k.a. cigarettes for the skin -- and lies alongside the canal. Please let her emerge extra-crispy.

Danielle is first, and, having already been harnessed and tailed, lies in the fishnet to get placed appropriately. Jay says that if they really pulled Danielle out of the sea, there would be a mess of other things in the net, too, and thus a production assistant adds seaweed and fish to the net. Because, really, you need a certain level of authenticity when you're depicting a mermaid being pulled out of a canal filled with boats and vegetables. Danielle is quite appropriately grossed out by fish juice running on her. She says that if a piranha starts biting her neck, she will be a mad sister. She is hoisted up into the air over the canal. Someone asks Danielle how it smells, and she says that she just threw up in her mouth a little bit. I expect her to follow this with a "Bwah!" or "Word!" or "This is Television WITHOUT Pity, and that's how we do things here. ETA: YMMV." Jay says that the idea of the shoot is that the model's upside down. Danielle flips and screams, as more fish juice runs down upon her body. I say cry me a river of fish juice, because once I was driving behind a truck that had streams of liquid pouring out of the back, and that liquid not only smelled atrocious, but was splashing all over my car, and the only conclusion that could be drawn was that it was a truck full of fish. It was horrible. Also horrible is the physical challenge (and not the Double Dare-type physical challenge, although that would probably involve fish juice, too) of working in the harness. Danielle says that she is in a lot of pain, and that her uterus is probably flat as a pancake. You can see her struggle to regain her composure in the middle of the shoot. Jay asks whether she wants to rest a little, and she says she just wants to get it over with. Jay is impressed at how Danielle moves her arms, and also how well she knows her angles. He says that he feels like a proud papa, because Danielle really knows what she's doing. Also, even though it might go without saying, Danielle makes a really pretty mermaid.

Next is Nnenna, who, in addition to the standard mermaid costume, is wearing blue netting on her upper body. It's weird. Nnenna interviews that it was a difficult shoot because when she thinks of mermaids she thinks of long, luxurious hair, and she had no kind of extensions or anything to work with. Jay asks her to be more feminine about her arm movements, and asks for a different facial expression. Sara says that Nnenna started at the top and has coasted from there. But the competition is about improving, and Sara doesn't think that Nnenna has been improving. Jay tells Nnenna to push a little, and she says that her circulation is being cut off. Furonda says that they all put Nnenna up on a pedestal, but that she didn't appear to do as well as expected on the photo shoot.

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America's Next Top Model




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