America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is A True Miss Diva

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Somebody Does, In Fact, Put Wendy in the Corner

Rachel announces Nnenna as the winner. She gets to choose two friends, and she inexplicably takes Gina and Jade. Or, should I say, "seemingly inexplicably." Nnenna lobbies for a position at the U.N., saying that Jade and Gina didn't get along very well, so a shopping spree might get them to learn more about one another. You want peace in the Middle East? Give those crotchety world leaders some Benjamins and their choice of hand-beaded halters and flirty spring skirts! The three lucky ladies enjoy their spree, along with stupid Rachel Zoe. Gina says that she doesn't like Jade, but that each did her own thing, so it was okay.

Back at home, Wendy sits down to make a call. And I should note that I have learned from the forums and a few emails that the girls are living in the legendary "Black Dahlia" house. And I have tried to learn more about the horrific and haunting murder that took place at this residence, but as soon as I get to the words "genitals not fully developed," I can't bring myself to go on. So Google if you want to, but do so at your own peril. But also: way to get a break on rent, ANTM producers! Next season will be filmed in Amityville. Speaking of disasters, Wendy tells us that much of her family has been displaced due to Hurricane Katrina. She talks to her mom, who says that they had 8 1/2 feet of water in the house. Just when it's getting good, this mother-daughter reconnection is stopped short by Jade, who is wearing only her underwear and a sarong of some sort wrapped around her head and torso. Again, if you're cold enough to wrap a sarong around your head, you might consider pants. Jade opens the door to the phone room and says that she needs to use the phone and hasn't gotten to use it since her haircut. Wendy says that she had to get up at 3 in the morning to use the phone, and that she'll let Jade know when she's off. Jade says, "That's foul." I didn't know Jade even had the capability of seeing her reflection. Jade interviews that she hadn't talked to her family since her makeover, so her anger was building up. Well, Wendy hadn't talked to her family since she thought they were dead, so she wins. For some strange reason, I want to end every sentence addressed to Jade with the words "You stupid bitch." Does that happen to you guys, too?

Jade sits in the hallway outside the phone room, along with Furonda and Mollie Sue. She once again complains that she hasn't used the phone recently. She interviews that she doesn't know who she is right now -- that she's lost, and she needs balance. Hmmm, sounds suspiciously like an identity crisis. You stupid bitch. See? It just fits. Jade then tells Furonda and Mollie Sue that she thinks she is the undiscovered supermodel. She says that she grew up in New York, "the belly of the beast." Then, the best thing happens. Furonda, who is once again wearing her fluffy tiara, starts laughing. And then Mollie Sue starts laughing. They are full-on laughing at Jade right in front of her face. You can imagine how well this goes over. Quick cut to Jade standing in front of the giant "ANTM" hanging on the wall and saying, "This is not America's Next Top Best Friend." Gina's all, "But I'm pretty sure 'best friend' starts with a t!" Joanie stands in her doorway and laughs. Jade says that she has everything it takes to be the next top model. You know, except for the looks, age, and personality. Then, the quote of the evening. From Jade, of course, in an interview: "I know I'm a threat. I'm a strong-ass woman. I'm a souljah sister. Recognize." At this point even Sister Souljah has a Sister Souljah moment and is all, "That bitch got nothin' to do with me."

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America's Next Top Model

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