America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is A Visual Orgasm

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Mama Said Knock You Out

No grousing at the house worrying who is going to be eliminated before The You're No Longer In The Running To Be America's Next Top Model Ceremony.

This week the girls will be tested on their ability to act as spokesmodels, because apparently this is suddenly Star Search and I give them scores of "Three stars! Three stars! Four stars! Three and a quarter stars!" They have to give a sixty-second spiel about the always opportunistically named "ANTM Beauty," and Sara goes first, marching in and up to a podium where this is Model Congress and on the touchy political issue of makeup on the face, she's coming out "pro." She starts off strong enough, but within about forty words she stumbles and goes, "We can hook you up with dat." Eric tells her she "fell into the homegirl thing," which, according to a recent Page Six item I've known, is exactly what Eric did recently, if you know what I mean. Ooooh! Rim shot! Just not in the way he likes! OH! I'm so fired. ["From your job of potential maybe future panelist, yes, I'm guessing you are." -- Wing Chun] Also, Sara had a photo or something and it looks all watery.

April tells us that ANTM Beauty knows women like allergy-free products, and Janice wants some more "warmth" in her eyes. Eric calls it an infomercial. Tyra calls it an "action." But her photo kicks ass, takes names, and invites us to stay for a Sapporo.

Xiomara is not for the cruelty of animals, but then she just about loses her shit about it. Nigel, who once seemed like he possessed a pinpoint wit worthy of a young, slightly less masculine Janice Dickinson, alerts Xiomara, "This is America's Next Top Model, not America's Next Average Model." Nigel? Is that you? Anyway, Xiomara's eyes are closed in her picture and her eyes are supposed to be open, not average.

Shandi is wearing a shirt that says "Shanthrax." Her presentation is crap and so is her photo, but Nigel gives her props for weathering the criticism, saying that many of the other girls would have just burst into tears.

Oh, hey Catie. Is that some spilt milk on the...well, here we go again. Her presentation goes pretty well and her pose is, according to Janice, "insane."

Mercedes cracks the panel up with a drag-queen joke about her dad, and he photo is, according to Nigel, "not grabbing." But Nolay defends her, saying that she was "a visual orgasm." They named the episode after that one lame-ass line? Was that in his contract? What about "The Girl Who Shopped 'Til She Dropped"? That's what I would have named it.

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America's Next Top Model

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