America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is A Visual Orgasm

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Mama Said Knock You Out

"Do you know how many people said, when I told them I was trying out for this, the word [sic] 'token Asian'"? April asks Catie. Because almost every word in that sentence is one Catie has not yet reached in her Jerome Shostak workbook, she pounds ahead with her next line as scripted, saying, "That's what makes you stand out." April bemoans the fact that her mother doesn't think of her as a model, particularly since her mother already committed one terrible crime of being "the one who's responsible for me being Asian." April's mother thinks that all models are "big-boobed, blonde-haired Barbie dolls. So she doesn't look at me and see a model." An awkward moment passes during which Catie nervously twists the short blond hair she hasn't taken her hand off since she walked into the SA-lon and was all, "Do you have anything in a Julie Andrews? I don't want to scare off the animated cartoon birds." Oh, chill out, Catie. She's not talking about you. Your boobs aren't big at all.

Santa Bear enters the loft and tells the girls that a "surprise guest" will be interviewing them individually, and that the most charismatic and comfortable girl will win a shopping spree. Just like a girl, Xiomara muses in a confessional, "Where and how much?" Answers for Xiomara: "At the Port Authority." And, "However much it costs to buy an off-peak ticket to that station known as 'Outta Dodge.'"

Ha! It's the world's first supermodel, author (does that mean she wrote the Bible?), and my future partner on the panel at the elimination ceremony (people, I'm still waiting for my phone to ring, here) Janice Dickinson! She's the surprise guest! Jeez, that's keeping it all in the family, isn't it? Who cancelled? And, more importantly, shall we begin the thawing of Jim Nabors?

Xiomara is once again first, because first is the worst, second is the best, and Santa Bear is the one with the hairy chest. Because he's the only one who's graced this show's set who hasn't has it waxed to within an inch of being used as a functional Slip 'n' Slide. "Yesterday, you were taught how to make the most out of your personality," Janice tells us. "Today, I'm going to ask you a few questions so we can get to know the personality inside of you." Still having a little trouble grasping the vagaries of this week's theme. Anyone with me yet?

But who cares! Because the first thing Janice asks is, "What's the craziest place you've ever had sex?" In L.A.! I mean, you have to drive to walk and everything's made with cilantro. That place is crazy! Oh, I see what you mean.

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America's Next Top Model

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