America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is A Visual Orgasm

Episode Report Card
Djb: B- | Grade It Now!
Mama Said Knock You Out

Xiomara: "In a broom closet in high school." And then, after the janitor got what was coming to him, in a conjugal-visit trailer at the Morganville Maximum-Security Home For Wayward Civil Sanitary Workers.

Camille: "Stuck in a ferris wheel." Bet you never baby-sat for that kid again.

Catie: "I'm a virgin." So the craziest place she's ever had sex is "in the future." ["Also, I call bullshit. She just didn't want her parents to find out on national (sort of) television that she wasn't a nice girl anymore." -- Wing Chun] Nevertheless, Janice looks scandalized, as if half-expecting Catie to conceive immaculately and father the human manifestation of the lord. I mean, what other virgins are there?

The next question is for Camille, and Janice asks, "If you could be a judge and eliminate anyone, who would it be? Camille balks: Oooh, that's a hard question!" Not for:

Sara: "Camille."

April: "Camille."

Xiomara: "Camille."

Yoanna: "Camille!" Janice has a follow-up for her because Yoanna answered so gleefully, I guess, asking, "Why?" Yoanna has the answer at the ready: "Because she's a witch!" Hee. Nice job, show. You've got me back. Just don't go blowing it again by bringing someone else in from the "Fun" page to make everyone cry again, like some chick who reads the Wordy Gordy or some shit.

Janice seems to think that Camille is intimidated by her, but Camille promises that it is not so: "People may call you, y'know, the bitch or whatever." Janice asks if people are calling her that, and we cut to a Janice confessional (which is what the whole show -- nay the whole world -- should be made up of) where she opens up, "That was really offensive to me. I'm a member of the PTA." And god bless that woman I have no idea what that means, but if you don't see me for a while it's because I'm in my parents' garage silk screening t-shirts with the ANTM logo on the front and their new corporate branding tagline written in quotes across the back. That tagline? "That was really offensive to me. I'm a member of the PTA." If you see me wearing that shirt, it's me. Until they take over the world.

Janice natters on (I mean "lilts with gentle poetic grace like a babbling brook of perfectly chosen words, as would befit a queen, a poet, or a future colleague of mine") that Sara's got her act together because she feels it for her cultural upbringing, whereas April doesn't identify herself as Asian or white, which puts Janice off. "She clearly looks Asian," she says. "And she should be proud of it." Just like Janice. Is proud. Of the fact. That she's half-man. Because if you split it up over a bunch of sentences, it's like you've never really said it at all!

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America's Next Top Model




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