America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is A Visual Orgasm

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Mama Said Knock You Out

Sara kicks it first and holds her pose despite "too many bubbles" (people, it's water). Catie holds a cool pose that they like; Yoanna does something "gorgeous"; Camille isn't ethereal enough and gives Jay a "drag-queen vogue"; Xiomara chokes and can't keep her eyes open; April gets a "nice" and a "wow"; Shandi looks "like a drowning chicken"; Mercedes has lupus but tells us, "Like Gloria Gaynor says, 'I will survive in this competition.'" She never said that. But she did say, "Go on now, go. Walk out the door. Just turn around now. 'Cause you're not welcome anymore." Xiomara. Do you like Gloria Gaynor?

Sara and Mercedes find out that they get another present as a result of their challenge win, and the elevator door to the loft opens and Sara's and Mercedes's moms walk out. And there's Tyra! And she brought her mom, too! And here's my mom! 'Cause I'm still in the garage making these t-shirts! Tyra's mom crowds everyone around her in that "Oh, look, an old man is talking" kind of way, and explains that when you're a model, "what you have to do is keep a strong connection to the people who will be there whether you win or whether you lose." Tyra picks it up and says that girls have low self-esteem, so she started a camp called "T-Zone." Cue grainy b-roll of Tyra chilling at some rustic outdoor locale, where, we learn, she talks to them about "relationships and sex and beauty and body image." She walks with girls, she talks with girls, she puts a condom on a banana. Okay, so maybe she doesn't actually do one of those things, but I don't recap commercials and this is a commercial for T-Zone. Tyra takes over to let the contestants know, "This industry only allows for one person of color in that certain category at a time." Therefore, no African-American contestant will be winning while the executive producer of this show plans on maintaining her modeling career. So pack it up, girls. Let's start right away.

And straight to the depths of the Eliminatowhatchamcallitjonespierre Chamber, where Tyra meets the eight remaining ladies and readies them for the night ahead. We meet our old buddies Janice, Eric, and Nigel, and we discover that Nolay Marin (I'm sorry, it was just easier to go phonetic with it and, well, I can't abide by this archaic "Dr. Evil" thing, as it would open the door to other passé nicknames like "Princess Leia" or "Calvin Coolidge" or something and, well, I just can't be responsible for that) will be the guest judge. Groovy, baby! See that? See what we avoided here?

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America's Next Top Model

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