MONDO EXTRAS

And now, a visit from Tyra "She's Super, Thanks For Asking" Banks, who arrives at the house to have some one-on-one rap time with each of the girls. Bethany wants "something to work on," explaining, "I can't do anything about my chest." Tyra contradicts with a quickie "Yes, you can," and I half-expect a plastic surgeon and an anesthesiologist to leap out from behind what we had thought was a brick wall and immediately start prepping her for some Moon-Frye Magic. But alas, no. The advice is based emotionally, not invasively, as Tyra counsels, "You're not the only model that has a big chest." Breastany again reissues her press release about people needing to look past the tits to the talent, and Tyra calls her on her attitude, reminding her, "No model is perfect." And then, the voice-over returns: "In the end, the judges decided that Bethany wasn't versatile enough for fashion modeling," Tyra tells us in that way that totally means "You've got the hair for Supercuts and the tits for porn. Go make your millions elsewhere."

End of Episode 2. Please take the time to walk to the lobby and stretch your legs. If, perchance, you happen to have the Blur song "Intermission" from their underappreciated "Modern Life is Rubbish" album, well, that officially makes you the coolest person I know.

According to Tyra, "I felt that a lot of the girls needed a drastic makeover, so I sent them to the salon for a major overhaul." Man, these girls are lucky! The one time I tried to get my hair cut in montage it went so fast my hair was completely ruined and I accidentally ended up in Topeka when it turned into a travel montage right in the middle. Cut to Tyra giving Catie a big hug, Catie spontaneously sobbing, "I look like a boy!" Maybe that's why I like it so much. Tyra doesn't so much console, saying "Right now it's a little Oliver Twist." Hey, why is there all this brimstone bubbling up from underneath my floorboards? Could it be because supermodel Tyra Banks just referenced nineteenth-century British author Charles Dickens? Perhaps I've been underestimating the educational value of A Muppet Christmas Carol. Tyra says that it's going to look great when it's styled, but that "it's okay to cry, 'cause it's different." And it may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow, but whenever Catie doesn't win this thing -- which she won't -- this is going to be the moment why. Remembering that she's really cool and mod and street or whatever it's called when you pretend to be dumber than you are, Tyra promises, "You're not gonna look like a boy, girl. You got titties, you got booty, you gonna work it out." Now that's parenting. That's what my mom used to say to me whenever I used to get upset. And I'm not trying to throw my hat into the nature/nurture debate, but, I mean, some shit went wrong and I'm not trying to blame anyone for it, okay?