"That runway show exposed them as amateurs, and it showed them just how far they had to go," Tyra reminds us. And...go! Military-themed phat beats play on in the background, and the girls cluelessly vamp out. Oh, how I wish it were slightly more humiliating. Tyra curls a lip. Don't you love how everyone thinks his or her job is really hard? The men clap. J. tells the girls, "Personally, I think you all sucked." Seriously, this is the most contrived "tough guy" act I've ever seen. The most contrived tough-guy act since Alan Thicke tried to play a real father. The most contrived tough-guy act since we were supposed to buy Anthony Hopkins as a sitting President. The most contrived tough-guy act since "...and, starring Noah Taylor as Adolf Hitler." Paint, Hilter! Paint!
An alarm clock buzzes (and freaks me out anew every time I rewind back into it) at 5:10 AM. Everyone piles into the elevator, and it's not until they're in a slightly more downmarket minivan that someone asks, "Where's Jenascia?" She's inside, still sleeping. April stands outside, asking if she can go wake Jenascia up, but all the girls say they'll just leave if April walks away. Wow. April hops in, feels slightly bad, and that's that. Double-stuffed wow. But seriously, how does anyone sleep through eleven girls getting ready to leave the house? April, dude. Hit the buzzer. HIT THE BU...well, very little we can do from here in the future, I guess.
Eleven strong, they show up at Industria Studios (775 Washington Street) and meet Nigel Barker, a British photographer who, with every word he speaks, thinks, "I am a British photographer." He loves being a British photographer, people. We learn that the shoot they'll be doing is for color contact lenses, the theme of which is "The Garden of Eden." The girls' bodies will be covered in jewels and paint, and other than that, they're calendar girls all the way. Looks are exchanged among the girls, and Nigels tells them, "You are going to be nude." Anna stares at her sketch drawing, a tousled set of vines entitled "Eve of the Sea." Are they stealing her outfit from the dance theme in Back to the Future? "I see we only have eleven," Nigel Barker is coached to say, and, sure enough, we kick it to Jenascia still asleep. Ring, ring, ring. No wakey-wakey for Jenascia. At 7:49, Jenascia rouses from her slumber, stumbles toward a still-ringing phone in the loft, applies aftershave, slaps her hands on the sides of her face, makes nine sequels, marries and divorces Rachel Miner, tries to get stage work, and tanks in Party Monster. Actually, what happens is this: she bawls. Some guy on the other end of the phone (a producer? A shoot coordinator? Jesus? Who is this guy?) tells her to get there "ASAP," but he pronounces it "AY-sap" in that way that makes me want to kill.