America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is Afraid Of Snakes

Episode Report Card
Djb: C+ | Grade It Now!
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New! New! New! If you haven't seen it, it's new to you! This certainly seems to qualify. Jenascia and Camille sit at a table near the attending Craft Services For The Wildly Undernourished Catering Co. "I just didn't know that some people were that threatened by me," Jenascia confides in Camille. "Yeah," Camille's eyes seem to say. "Neither did I." Say, I didn't know Camille was allowed to talk to people on this show.

The four judges burn through all of the candidates, narrowing it down to who sucks because she was late and who sucks because she didn't do a photo shoot. No one much likes Anna's attitude, and Eric doesn't think Anna has a real idea of why she even refused to do it. The final work is from Nigel, who says that it's much more damaging to be late than to be prudish. Nigel has no freakin' say at all. Tyra gives a headshot to each of the girls who are to continue, and the final battle comes down to between Jenascia and Anna. Tyra berates Jenascia again and tells Anna she supports her decision. Then she chooses Jenascia. Bitches! Bitches all! I wonder why I was so mad about that. I think I remember some highly rational motivation like thinking "Jenascia" was harder to spell, or something of the sort. Also, because Jenascia called all of the other girls "bitches." Maybe that's what it was. Maybe I was just understudying for the role of Jenascia in the TV movie about her entitled A Short Life. Well then, I'd better take off my shoes. And my feet. And my legs, up to my knees.

End of Episode 1. Please enjoy this break, and stick around for punch and pie.

The phat beats kick up, and through a curtain, J. strides out wearing nothing but a t-shirt emblazoned with a woman's body in a bikini on the front and the back! Oh, and high heels. Oh. And nothing else. His parents? Just flipped to Fox.

"On the runway, the girls had different strengths and weaknesses," Tyra pipes up as Heather falls down. The girls don wildly unflattering bodysuits and high heels and have to do a runway walk. Shandi is first. And if the first rule of a catwalk is, as we've learned, "walk like it's for sale and the rent is due tonight," Shandi better get J. one of those big, fake handlebar moustaches and tie herself like a damsel in distress to some nearby train tracks because, well, she must pay the rent but she can NOT pay the rent. Her walk. So clompy and halting and less "look at the simple elegance of those shoes/that dress/that suit" and more, like, "Aaaaaaah. Monsters. They're coming. Monsters." In a confessional, Shandi reminds us, "I'm completely different from everyone else." Oh, that's not true. There are plenty of other girls who can't hack it, either. Why aren't they clearing the decks, y'all? Monsters. Are coming. And they're collecting the rent.

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America's Next Top Model




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