America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is America's Next Top Model

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Mercedes Bends

Mercedes looks crazy. They've styled her in what she describes as an "Aztec warrior Zulu African thing" because all exotic cultures are entirely interchangeable. If I wrote that as a description of what she looked like, I'd have to create an entire email folder to catch any emails that came to me including the words "to hell with you, you racist pig-fucker" in the subject line. But Mercedes doesn't have to attend cultural literacy school for her advanced degree in Anthro-Apology, because her head is wrapped in wire and her job tells her she's allowed to be kind of stupid.

Shandi is wearing something shoulderless, and two giant flowers in her hair. They're like a "snapdragon gladiolus dahlia alstroemeria" thing.

Yoanna is wearing a giant helmet.

Il Zolofti. More Tyra Mail! Tyra Mail! "You'll be meeting the brothers behind the major fashion house DSquared." Who? Oh, look! It's Tyra "Man, I Feel Like A Woman" Banks to explain further: "DSquared are the newest, hottest, hippest fashion designers of the moment right now." ["And they're Canadian!" -- Wing Chun] Lucky for them, the number of "this language has got short-lived hand-stitched all over it" adjectives Tyra used is slightly bettered by the fact that, in Milan, "fifteen minutes" translates to something like "forty billion lire." So they're okay for a while. Tyra is sending the girls to be in an audition to be in the DSquared final fashion show. Final? Man, that career arc really was pretty fast. Forty billion lire and yet another "lira currency exchange" joke just don't go nearly as far as they used to, huh?

In front of a big cathedral whose ostensible symbolism is to remind us that white teeth are next to godliness, we come across the waiting...but what's this? I think I'm seein' double! Two gentlemen of identical physicality and remarkably fruity fashion sense pose posingly while a Vatican-issued edict floats mysteriously down from the heaven banning the wearing of a jean jacket on the grounds of a Duomo. In an accent I'm going to go ahead and guess is from that hybrid dialect of "Canadian/Recoded-Backwards- And-Played-Forward," they introduce themselves as "Dean and Dan," the twin brothers behind DSquared, which is spelled, in accordance The ANTM Department Of Subtitled Redundancies, "DSquared2." Know what that equation equals? Forty billion lire.

"Dean and Dan kind of remind me of little chipmunks," Shandi notes, and Mercedes notes their resemblance to "Chip and Dale," themselves chipmunks or male dancers whose cummerbunds are kept on with Velcro, and not for long, either! They stand with their arms crossed, awfully close to one another and wearing pouty, constantly pose-y faces, and continue on, "We're going to start with you, Mercedes." Uh oh. When she comes back wearing a jean jacket and preening in French-Canadian while a new label called "DCubed3" is unveiled with the Mercedes-intoned tagline "ONE OF US! ONE OF US!" we'll know they've gotten to her, too.

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America's Next Top Model

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