America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is Co-Dependent

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If You Wanna Go On And Be Funky...

The Empire State Building! The Statue of Liberty! Times Square! WELCOME TO MANHATTAN says a sign as we clever audience members deduce that the girls have made it to New York City, where the streets are paved with gold that buffs your stiletto heels while you walk. The girls ride in a van and, as is their custom, whoop. Ann bitches that she can't see, and wants to switch seats. She climbs over her seat, which is in the back of the van yet right near a window, and plops into a center seat between Eva and Norelle. Ah, the little things you catch when you watch a show twenty-seven times. Ann interviews that she came into this competition being very confident, and that the other contestants are intimidated by her. Not for long, freakshow.

More whooping. Leah, originally hailing from Oklahoma, has never been to New York. She interviews that she knows she can look very "Plain Jane," and needs to prove herself to Tyra. Kelle, in the back of the van, yells "It's so exciting, you guys can see my backyard! I love it!" in a somewhat exaggerated fashion. Huh. For some reason, I can just picture Kelle wearing a little red fez on her head. With a pair of cymbals, or maybe a small drum. Riding a unicycle. I'm not sure what it is...maybe something about her mouth. Kelle interviews that she grew up in Seagate, which is the last gated community in New York, and then moved to Manhattan. She says that she can come off a bit strong, and that people have said that she has a "presence" about her. She hopes it's an easy presence. I think it's a bit simian, actually. More whooping.

The van delivers them in Times Square, where they are taken to a rooftop to meet the alien life force that is going to bring them beauty of intergalactic proportions! Oh wait, it's just Tyra. She welcomes the girls, who -- get ready for it -- whoop, and tells them that they are her "personal final fourteen." She tells them to look around at the giant billboards, and whoops, "One of those might be you real soon!" Man. Just when she comes clean about the fact that none of the other judges actually gets a vote, she jumps right into the lying again. It's pathological at this point. But her scary alien eyes make the girls believe. She gives an unexpected pop quiz: "This is New York City. This is the city that nev-uh, ev-uh...what?" The girls consult their CliffsNotes (it's always an open-book test in the world of modeling) and say, "sleeps!" Whoop!

And speaking of never sleeping, the girls will be getting no sleep tonight. Because, like real models, they'll be all coked up and made to give Donatella Versace a tongue bath. No, it's because they’ll have their first assignment, a "sexy freaky-deaky bikini shoot" in Jamaica! And at this announcement, the whooping reaches a decibel level so intense that even Céline Dion is like, "Mon Dieu! My ears!" Whoooooop! Tyra reminds the girls that this is "the real thing," and "a competition," and that they are standing next to their competitors. She encourages them to make her proud and "work it out," and then does a little dance that looks oddly familiar. Maybe I saw it in a video somewhere.

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America's Next Top Model

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