America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is Co-Dependent

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If You Wanna Go On And Be Funky...

Jay describes the fashion shoot as "edgy swimwear." He introduces the "top glam squad" who will work with the girls on all of their shoots. There is a makeup artist, wardrobe consultant, and "the famous Danilo, hair magician," who looks like a crystal-meth ravaged Captain Kangaroo. Seriously, I'm not that picky, but I would nev-uh, ev-uh let a man with a handlebar moustache touch me in any capacity, much less get near my precious hair. Jay then says that he, J., and Tyra will be judging the girls on this photo shoot and that -- gasp! -- the house in New York can only hold thirteen people. Which means that someone will go home immediately after the shoot, and not move into the New York pad. There is a conspicuous absence of whooping. Once the non-eliminated get back to New York, another elimination will be made based on this shoot. In the words of Toccara, "Time to work."

As the girls get made up, Magdalena notes that the competition is fierce. Ann says that she is tired from the nervous breakdown she had on the plane, and also from the sweet, sweet love she made to Eva.

The girls stand on what looks like volcanic rock for the shoot, largely balancing unsteadily on their heels. Oh, if only they were on the precipice of a lake containing hot molten lava! I yearn for the day when they let Janice do some of the concept work. Eva models a hideous swimsuit with a cape, as Jay tells her to think fashion rather than pinup. He basically tells everyone else the same thing, because he's totally unqualified for his job and obviously has no idea what the hell he's doing. He's the George W. Bush of America's Next Top Model. He tells Cassie that he wants her to try something a bit more "animalistic" and "savage." I bet Kelle would take this direction well. Instead, Jay tells her to be less hoochie and more couture, and Kelle, in her own words is, "Like, omigod! Okay! Um! Gasp!" Jay loves Magdalena's limbs, but she's kind of fug. Whatever, she's going home. Leah impresses no one.

Yaya is "working as if the rent is due tomorrow" (shut up, Jay) and totally rocking her African Queen look. Everyone is impressed. Jennipher almost falls backward. Molten lava, I tell you! Toccara looks great but has about sixty pounds too much "personality." Norelle looks like she's taking a dump. Nicole sticks her pinky out too much. Julie is fine, and J. tells her to give a "Kama Sutra" pose. Ann sucks and is a disappointment to all. Jay says that she's gorgeous, but "if I have a dead slab of meat in front of the camera, I can't do anything with that." Sometimes the jokes write themselves, people. Jay tells the girls that after brunch tomorrow, someone is going home.

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America's Next Top Model

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