America's Next Top Model
The Girl Who Is Co-Dependent

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If You Wanna Go On And Be Funky...

Kelle continues her crying in Amanda's room. Amanda says that it's easy for people to pass judgment on something when they don't know all the information, which is why she made a formal announcement about her affliction and followed it up with informational flyers. Kelle sobs that she can't help it when people ask her what kind of pants she's wearing and she tells them that they're Gucci. She feels that it's her against everyone, and that it hurts. Amanda gives her a big hug, and Kelle feels good to have a friend who accepts her for who she is. Except for the fact that Amanda actually thinks Kelle is white.

More Tyra mail! The first meeting with the judges is imminent, and one girl will be eliminated. Kelle, Ann, and Leah are nervous. The girls enter the Ballroom of Judgment. Tyra explains that the winner will receive a contract with Ford models, a spread in Elle magazine, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl cosmetics. Tyra introduces the judges. First up is...Janice Dickinson! Yay! Tyra says that she is "one of the world's first supermodels," and Janice is quick to make the correction, "The first supermodel." Janice's face looks the same...kind of. She's a bit like a waxwork of herself, with lots of cleavage. It might be the retinitis pigmentosa of love, but I'm thinking that it works. Next up is noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, who has retained some of the hotness of last season, but is also looking kind of sickly and emaciated. I think that Janice might have found a way to suck the life force out of him, which I'm sure is exactly what she was trying to do with Ryan Seacrest.

And, we have a new judge: Nolé Marin, a "very prominent fashion editor and stylist." ["He's not actually new, but you are, so I'll let it slide. THIS TIME." -- Wing Chun] He is seriously the gayest man on earth, and I've been around. He has a tiny dog on a pillow that he introduces as "Empress Minnie." That dog is like the exclamation point on the statement "I'M GAY!" It's a bit redundant, is all. With Jay and J. introduced in the first episode, and Nolé Marin in the second, I am afraid that this show has reached the pinnacle of gayness. It's quite possible that it has nowhere to go, and that makes me sad.

The judges evaluate the photos. Yaya's photo is hot, and the judges love it, even though she has a poor complexion. Ann's face is flawless, but has no passion, and her heels are buried in the volcanic rock. The photographer thought that Ann was the worst of all. Janice says that Cassie's pose makes her look two months pregnant. Tyra emphasizes that Cassie needs to suck in her stomach as she sticks out her butt, but not actually lose any weight. Kelle's pose hides the swimsuit, and she looks like she has a penis. Guess which judge said that? If you said Janice, you've watched at least one episode of this show in the past. Norelle looks a bit bony and weird, and her face looks funny, perhaps because of her braces. Eva looks like she's in the video for "Rumpshaker." The judges like Jennipher's photo. Nigel says her long hair is beautiful but not practical for modeling, and Nolé says, "The Crystal Gayle look is not in fashion." Heh.

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America's Next Top Model

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