Next day. Back at the Céline Dion School Of Chest-Thumping Pantomime, Tony -- or, as he'd call himself, "Tzony" -- welcomes the ladies back and get the dance contest underway. Which I know is stressful, if only from the arcade intramurals of Dance Dance Revolution I have sucked at in front of people whose opinions -- not to mention, smooth grooves -- I value. Tony starts off by saying he was thinking about yesterday's performances, and notes that he didn't even remember April, urging her to "step up your game." Game, consider yourself stepped. We learn that he's going to teach them some choreography which they'll be tested on, the winner taking home a prize package that includes a year's supply of thinking that appearing on this show makes you a celebrity, and also the opportunity to hang out "with two music celebrities. Huge." Oh, my god! But what about her show in Vegas?
Tzony snipes that Sara's positioning is bad, and she cops to her bad knee. And, we're off. The girls do the routine, which is filled with spirited walking and surprised-by-your-own-hands tit-grabbing. First out is Sara, about whom Tony confessionalizes, "She's more of a swimsuit type of model, like a calendar type of model." Like a Hooter's girl. Jeez. Check page one. Sara complains that she's sick of losing. Nothing to worry about, Sara. Almost done with that. Shandi's out. Mercedes is out. Yoanna is out, Tony telling us, "She can't seem to find the rhythm." Now I'm not one to nit-pick (have you seen my Dance Dance Revolution seeding? It's rubbish! I only pick up all of those endorsements because I'm really hot and Russian), but isn't the ability to dance in time a primary facet in finding the ability to dance? It's not bronze medal material, is all I'm saying. And me, I like Yoanna. And these two girls who are left? Well, I don't like either of them much. April wins ["and the fix is in, because I hadn't seen dancing that herky-jerky since the second season of Mr. Show" -- Wing Chun], and is allowed to pick two friends -- she goes with Sara and Shandi -- which leaves 50\% of the girls winners. Sitting here with a cup of tea and a really dodgy cookie I decorated on Valentine's Day, I had as good a chance of winning this competition as they did. They get to meet stars of the record business. I get just a leeeeetle bit of botulism. And the people they'll be meeting are ODB and RZA from Wu Tang. Way in the back, Yoanna doesn't even pretend she knows who they are.